Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,
I’ve never been a big family guy… okay, if you knew how to turn on your TV, I’d explain that I’m not talking about the Fox sitcom, but that seems like it’ll probably just confuse you.
Our family, full of great people, just kinda overwhelms me. Sometimes it even awakens in me this bizarre competitive spirit that I never knew existed. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
I know family isn’t a competition. To think of it as such is just- well, it’s unhealthy, really!
But theoretically, if it was a competition, I want you to know- well, our family might be losing.
With so many branches of the Kersten clan, it’s hard to say, but with four kids total in our immediate family, with no husbands or wives, no children to speak of, and certainly no intentions of domesticating anytime soon, just thought you should know, when it comes to “Who Can Raise the Biggest Family?” we are well aware that this particularly sect of the Kerstens aren’t blessed with much God-given talent.
I mean, I know I’m already 25 so I should probably have 2 kids already (according to Catholic logic) but why don’t you check back with me next year? Gimme a little extra time, and maybe I can settle down with a middle-aged divorcee with 3 kids from a previous marriage. Just tryin’ to make ya proud!
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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