Dear Internal Clock

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Dear Internal Clock,
Exactly what kinda game are you running, sir?
I mean, seriously, can we at least talk about this?
I get it, ya gotta have a weekend schedule. Those 9 PM – 3 AM shifts would kick your ass otherwise.
But somehow, I get through those just fine, don’t I?
When you finally get off work and get back home, of course you’re gonna crash.
But still waking up at 8 AM, like you would any other day?
That’s just unacceptable. It’s called sleeping in. Those days you wake up at 8… well, it’s usually cuz you’re an old man and went to bed at 11 the night before, but you need your rest!
Or else, ya know what happens?
That’s right. You fall asleep on your date. Not like, during the date (although that happened too…) but literally on your date.
You’re lucky he just went with it… even if it was pretty mortifying.
So maybe next time just sleep a little later instead of sleeping on some poor unassuming guy, eh?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Date Tonight

What I looked like this morning, except… ya know, not hot

Dear Date Tonight,
I know what you’re thinking. “Why is he talking to me, it isn’t ‘tonight’ already, is it?” No sir, your eyes do not deceive you, it is still early in the morning. This is about… um- what you saw, early in the morning.
See, I was kinda counting on nobody actually being out right now, so I just wore what I wore to sleep.
Mussed up hair, tattered undershirt, and blue (somewhat tight) gym shorts. Not exactly haute couture.
And yet, who did I run in to on my walk? Well, you, obviously otherwise this would be a pretty stupid letter to be writing… anyways, you were nice and we talked and you were sweet to the dog, but I feel like I should tell you something.
… I swear I’ll do better next time. I mean, this isn’t, like my normal outfit or anything.
I promise I’ll shower for our date. I may even shave.
So please, if you could just do me a favor and forget you saw this trainwreck? Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Guy Clearly on a Date Talking on His Cell Phone

Dear Guy Clearly on a Date Talking on His Cell Phone,
I don’t even know where to start.
I mean, common decency dictates that the person you’re with at least deserves your undivided attention.
But let’s go ahead and assume, for your sake, that your livelihood is directly involved with that phone.
Maybe you’re a stockbroker? Lord knows you look like you have the cocaine addiction for it… or maybe you’re an agent and you were talking to a client? Even with these highly implausible scenarios, there’s a bit of etiquette involved.
For instance, just because you’re holding your date’s hand while you walk down the street doesn’t do much for your credibility, especially when you have a cell phone in the other.
Furthermore, it just takes up more space and makes it more difficult for the rest of us to get by you.
But ya know what? I don’t even know why I’m bothering to tell you.
Guys like you? They never listen.
Besides, if your girlfriend was giving you that “eyes glazed over, bored outta my skull” look out on the street, I can’t imagine you get much better looks in the bedroom. Don’t worry, I’m sure the relationship won’t last.
But if by some deluded sense of self-worth, that girl sticks with you, I hope you two are very happy together.
Just remember to at least put the cell phone on vibrate at your wedding.
Sincerely,
Calhoun