Dear Relationship Gods

Dear Relationship Gods,
What kind of sick game are you playing?
I mean, have you ever noticed how this thing goes?
I start getting interested in someone, they say “it’s not you, it’s me” or give me the “just friends” speech and all of a sadden, the blindfold is off.
Like, I can’t stand the way he chews or I remember how laying down with him, his shoulder-blade would always dig into my left pec or something.
It doesn’t mean that they’re bad people. In fact, I know that it’s a defense mechanism.
Still, maybe you could stop being such a dick? Maybe? Cuz I feel bad when there’s that whole reveal… makes me think that I might not be that nice of a guy.
So knock it off!
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Date (Pt. 2)

Dear Date,
Hi again. Let me start off by saying, I had a great time last night. It was nice to just get together and talk with someone… cuz, ya know, I just don’t do enough talking or whatever. Yeah, nobody believed that. I pretty much never shut up.
Lemme start over.
Hi, I had a lotta fun last night. But this is about the end of the evening… as is customary, the first date ended with a kiss, but I wanted to defend myself there. See, I swear I’m a better kisser than that.
I wasn’t sure if we were doing, like, a full-on kiss, if there was gonna be tongue or how long it was gonna be or anything like that.
Plus, the bouncer from the strip club across the street wasn’t helping matters… anyways, I just wanted to say, if I could get a do-over? Yeah, that’d be great.
I mean, I know we’re already going to a movie on Saturday so hopefully I didn’t fuck up that badly, but I just kinda wanted to defend my honor or whatever. I mean, I am a good kisser. Everybody says so.
Okay, not “everybody.” I mean, I’m not some sort of kissing slut or something.
Ya know what? I really don’t see myself winning this one, so I’ll leave it with “see you Saturday.”
Until then…
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Past Self (Pt. 2)

Dear Past Self,
When entertaining a male caller, (well, first of all, don’t call him a male caller, that makes you sound kinda prostitute-y…) Anyways, when you’ve got a guy over, you might wanna be a little more careful in your choices.
See, when you suggested that you watch something and he said, “something light, or funny that we don’t hafta pay attention to,” that should’ve tipped you off.
And for some reason, with all the options you have available to you (seriously, I have, like 5 CD wallets filled with TV shows) you went with It’s Always Sunny.
It’s a noble choice, really. It might be a little too funny for the purpose in that situation.
Imagine if you will, two people kissing, when all of a sudden, one of the people starts laughing.
That was me.
Nothing particularly funny about kissing, but when Mac is fighting a gay marriage in the background, it’s a little funny.
It’s cool, the guy was very understanding but, in retrospect, not one of my finest moments.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Yelp Reviewer

Dear Yelp Reviewer ,
For the sake of anonymity, I won’t use your name, but you know who you are.
Look, I was browsing Yelp as I was getting ready to grab dinner with a friend. Sure, it was filled with the usual bitching and moaning, but I was struck by your review.
You talked about how you like to get food from this certain location (once again, very top secret…) because they had a special where you could make your own pizza.
The whole thing came with hats and little aprons or whatever. It sounded cheesy as hell, but as you described how you like to get food from there so you and your date can make your own pizza, the overwhelming cheese factor became secondary to the almost nauseating sweetness of this date idea.
So, lemme cut to the chase.
I think you and I should date.
Partially cuz I’m hungry, but also cuz, it’s been a long time since I’ve been the recipient of any romantic gestures.
Sad, but true.
Besides, I think we had a really special connection on Yelp… you just don’t know it yet.
Listen, you don’t hafta decide now, but just think about it, okay?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Couples

Dear Couples,
I’m happy for you. Believe me, I am.
I’m glad that you’ve found wedded bliss or your other half or whatever you wanna call it, but not that I’ve taken the obligatory sentence to validate your life choices, lemme explain mine to you.
While I appreciate the fact that you may have a friend that you think I’d “really hit it off with,” it’s really not necessary.
See, here’s the thing. I’m single by choice. I know people say that all the time, but have you ever stopped to think that it might be a real thing?
It’s not just some fallacy in a Katherine Heigl rom-com. You know, “single by choice” until she meets the right man and he tames her wily ways?
There are some of us that are legitimately not interested in the life of domesticity you so proudly subscribe to. So I’m glad that you’ve found Mr. or Mrs. Right, but I’m not looking, and if you could stop looking for me, that’d be great.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Homeless Man Waving His Dick at Me on the El

Dear Homeless Man Waving His Dick at Me on the El,
Look, it’s not that I’m not flattered. I mean, a guy like me?
I’m surprised a man with three remaining tobacco-stained teeth would ever notice someone like me, but you went ahead and made my day anyway, didn’t you?
I just feel like it would never work.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like at least the offer of a drink before we get to that very serious stage of our relationship where you start randomly flashing me, but we didn’t even get to have a beginning and now, I’m afraid that it might be the end.
I’m no good for you anyway.
I’m too high maintenance. I wanna live the high life. You know, four walls, a ceiling, maybe even some running water?
It’d just never work out.
But don’t think for a second that I wasn’t flattered.
Sincerely,
Calhoun