Dear Los Angeles Residents

Dear Los Angeles Residents,
It’s called rain. I know, I know, it never rains in southern California. I think Albert Hammond wrote a song about it?
Anyways, yeah, just to get you all caught up to speed, it’s called rain, it comes from the sky, and it makes things wet.
Now that we’re all cleared up on that, maybe everyone can stop driving like an asshole?
I mean, I thought it was bad when the asphalt was completely dry, but you get a little sprinkle and the whole world goes to shit.
All I’m saying is, keep calm and carry on.
Sure, a little precaution is understandable, but don’t drive like a bunch of geriatrics on their way to bingo on a Tuesday night.
Cuz some of us, those who know what rain is, are kinda tired of having to account for an extra hour in traffic because you folks don’t know what to do with a little water from the sky.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Morning Drivers

Dear Morning Drivers,
Hi, you might have seen me before. I’m the guy walking his dog at an ungodly early hour?
Anyways, it’s not important if you’ve seen me or not, but this letter is to the ones on Crescent Heights this morning.
You may have noticed me cross the street with my dog, only to cross back about a minute later sans one shoe. Allow me to explain.
The dog had to go to the bathroom and somewhere along the way I had lost the dog waste bag, so I left my shoe as collateral to, ya know, prove that I was actually coming back to clean up the mess.
Look, I’m not saying that it was the most logical thing, but I wanted the owners of that lawn to know that I’m not a total asshole.
Okay, I thought explaining this would make me feel a little less insane for doing it, but ya know, on page, it actually sounds even crazier.
Like, Zelda Fitzgerald-style crazy.
My bad, forget I said anything.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Pedicab Drivers

Dear Pedicab Drivers,
I think it’s important to start out by saying, this is by no means a judgment.
It’s more of an… observation, if you will.
So, your job is to basically ride around on a bicycle, taking people from place to place, right?
I mean, we both have the same basic understanding of what pedicabs do.
Then… well, this is a bit indelicate, but… why are you so many of you… portly gentlemen?
Your job is actually exercise.
Most of us hafta wait to get off of work in order to work out, but seriously, you should be working out while you’re at work.
I’m just saying, it’s a rather surprising phenomenon.
So if anybody could clue me in as to what that’s all about, I’d appreciate it.
Thanks.
Sincerely,
Calhoun