Dear Facebook Friend

facebook-add-as-friend-personalized

Dear Facebook Friend,
I know that it’s your Facebook and you are entitled to do whatever you want with it, but seriously?
I’m sure plenty of folks get pissed that they have my tweets show up in their Facebook all the time or the few Republican friends I’ve got may not like how much political stuff I post, but seriously?
A picture of a bloodied pig as it is about to go off to slaughter?
I get that it’s your Facebook and you’re vegetarian, but- well, what does that picture accomplish?
I don’t eat pigs cuz I’ve always thought they were too cute, so I’m on your side with that one, but those kinds of pictures? Well, they can even alienate an ally.
In the end, it is your Facebook so you can post whatever you so desire, but lemme give you a type. It’s easier to persuade someone to do something than it is to dissuade something they already do.
Instead of showing why you believe eating meat is bad, why not showcase why being vegetarian is good?
Maybe then so many pictures of adorable and blood-spattered animals might not show up in my newsfeed as much?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Facebook Friends

0530 stl facebook.jpg

Dear Facebook Friends,
I’m sorry Game of Thrones was so emotionally taxing last night.
I also don’t care.
Seriously, I almost turned it into a drinking game: Drink every time someone posts about Game of Thrones and you are overwhelmed with indifference.
I just didn’t wanna get alcohol poisoning.
My last count was 33.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Fellow Grad Student

Screen shot 2013-04-22 at 2.59.48 PM

Dear Fellow Grad Student,
Let’s talk about tact, shall we? Mainly because you seem so wildly unfamiliar with the term.
I mean, I am legitimately curious about what made you think this post was appropriate?
I’m sure your article is fascinating… if not a well-tread topic.
But to use the events in Boston as a means of self-promotion?
This coming from a man who slept with his ex three times after they broke up… that is still not nearly as bad as what you managed to do with social media.
Moving on to the next segment.
What possessed you to pair those two thoughts together? Was it that they were both celebrations of how great you are?
Cuz… um… the whole Boston thing followed by your e-book? It’s like a bad episode of Girls here.
That’s it. That’s what you are. You are gay dude Hannah Horvath.
It’s actually uncomfortable how spot on that description is… but here I go, congratulating myself.
I think you may be rubbing off on me. I’m gonna go try and find something selfless to do.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Netflix

netflix

Dear Netflix,
Courage the Cowardly Dog? Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends? It’s like you don’t want me to get work done.
Is that it?
Is this all some grand conspiracy to make sure I never get any of my work done?
And before you accuse me of being paranoid, I prefer self-involved…
Besides, this new “share on Facebook” feature is… well, questionable when those are the shows I’m watching.
Maybe I’ll turn on episodes of Hoarders when I go for my run… several hours of Hoarders is better than kid’s cartoons, right?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Facebook Users

Awesome, Facebook is growing daily. More boring status updates than ever.

Awesome, Facebook is growing yearly. More boring status updates than ever.

Dear Facebook Users,
Yes, today is the start of a new year, but there are some things that still haven’t changed since last year.
For instance, I still don’t care that you’re watching the news.
Why post that? I mean, seriously, that’s all it says.
“Blah Blah Blah… is watching the news.”
Nothing about the news or what’s on the news.
Just that you’re watching it.
So I have a New Year’s resolution for you. It might be a challenge for some of you, but here goes.
Say something actually interesting.
Ya know what? That’s not fair. That’s asking too much.
New Year’s resolution for me. Get more interesting friends.
I should probably get on that.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Facebook Friends

Dear Facebook Friends,
This time of year, I’m willing to admit, I can get a little Grinch-like. What can I say, the holidays bring something awful out in me. But I’ve tried to be good!
As everybody posts about “so excited to be home for the holidays!” and “can’t wait to see my brother!” I have held my tongue.
All in exchange for what happens today.
See, you may be excited to see mommy and daddy, where I pretty much live in perpetual fear that they’ll actually call this holiday season, but you have one problem that I never will.
That is, of course, the trip back home. When you stay put for the holidays, like myself, there’s no overcrowded airports or delayed flights.
But those aren’t the things that make me happy. I mean, how awful would I be if I took pleasure in the suffering of others?
It’s the posts. “Ugh, FINALLY taking off!” and “This better be worth it!”
It’s the fact that every year, some asshole tries to tell me that I shouldn’t be bitter about the holidays and then the day before Thanksgiving comes around and s/he is unquestionably the most negative person on the whole social media site.
At least I own my negativity and don’t pretend to be better than it. Enjoy the holidays!
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Friends Who Are Tired of the Election

Dear Friends Who Are Tired of the Election,
It’s been a long road, hasn’t it? Truth be told, with all the mud-slinging and uncertainty from both sides of the aisle, it’s been a pretty exhausting election. Still, your posts of “Okay, the election is over, stop posting about politics” and “Ugh, I’m so sick of politics, so glad we don’t hafta do this for another 4 years,” well, they make you sound ignorant.
Is the next Presidential election in four years? Sure, you’re right about that much… but do you really think the only time to be political is during the Presidential election? Because I hate to tell ya, but that’s not how it works.
The visibility of politics is definitely increased around this time of year, but if you think you can just vote once and that all your prayers will be answered by the time the next election rolls around? Well, you’re sorely mistaken.
You have to hold your politicians accountable. You have to keep track of the issues. If things aren’t changing, you have to work for that change. Call your political officials, protest, do whatever necessary.
We live in a society of instant gratification. If your demands aren’t met by the next election, you claim the system failed you.
But you have to work the system too. Ignoring the fact that politicians are busy and can’t always achieve the change you wanted immediately, they’ve got a lot of ground to cover. You need to be persistent.
So next time you tell me you’re tired of politics and you can’t wait for it all to be over, expect to be verbally bitch slapped. Politics are never ever. They are in a constant state of evolution. perhaps your failure to realize that is part of the reason you’re so disenchanted with the system. Believe me, it’s far from a perfect one, but it’s not completely lifeless yet.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Facebook (Pt. 4)

Dear Facebook,
Look, I appreciate you getting the word out about my oh-so-clever witticisms and diatribes, but do you really hafta share it with everyone?
I know, I know, I made the choice to “Publicize” to Facebook, but how else am I supposed to get readers?
it’s just, well, not all readers are good readers.
For instance, say there’s somebody that you’re interested in… do they really need to see all 350 Reasons Why I’m Still Single?
Rhetorical question. The answer is empirically “Good God no!”
So thanks a lot, Facebook. Ya know how you let a little of your weird out on each date?
Now someone has full access to all of it.
I feel great about that.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Spotify (Pt. 2)

Dear Spotify,
Look, I know I said some things in our last post, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m glad I have you in my life.
… while I’ve got your ear, could we talk about this “Private Session” thing? I know that it just means my musical selections aren’t being published to Facebook, but do we really hafta call it “Private Session?”
I mean, I dunno if it’s just me, but “Private Session” sounds kinda like a masturbation reference. It just makes my secret love of all things Huey Lewis & the News sound much more shameful than it actually is. How about “None of Your Goddamn Business Listening?” Or maybe “What the Hell is it to You Session?”
These are just rough drafts, I’ll spitball some more and get back to you.
Sincerely,
Calhoun