Dear Salvation Army

Dear Salvation Army,
You’re the homophobic ones and yet I’m the dick if I don’t give you any money.
How’d ya swing that? No, seriously, it’s impressive how you prey on a sense of compassion to guilt people out of their money.
But ya know what? I feel like we’ve done this whole song and dance before. I’ve scolded you and you’ve- well, you’ve not responded, but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be happy with my… word choice. Yeah, that’s what we’ll call it.
Still, I thought you should know, you’re on the wrong side of a losing battle.
Even the Religious Right is on board with same-sex marriage now. Sure, there are some who are straggling, which is to be expected but, well, they’re kinda like rats fleeing a sinking ship.
So, Salvation Army, why don’t you get with the times? Stop reading the Bible so literally (especially considering it would prevent you from wearing those awesome multi-fabric vests when you’re ringing your bells. It’s in the same Book of Leviticus, look it up) and learn to adapt.
Or at the very least, don’t scowl at me when I don’t give you any money. Okay, maybe that was in response to me telling the guy ringing his bell, “I would give you money, but sorry, all of mine has ‘gay’ on it and I wouldn’t want you to catch it. Cold and flu season and all.” We could probably both stand to evolve on this one.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Little Rocker

Dear Little Rocker,
I’m not a holiday kinda guy. Well, I mean, I love Halloween, but I was more referring to the generic month of December “season” that is just generally referred to as “the holidays” by the politically correct.
Everything smells like peppermint or eggnog (I still think it’s weird that people make candles that smell like booze and dairy) and everywhere is jam-packed with people. Oh, and man, the carolers? The worst.
It’s just not my scene.
Still, while that obnoxious brass band played “Frosty the Snowman” followed by, what I’m pretty sure was “Little Deuce Coupe…”
Well, I was a little baffled at the segue, but that was forgivable because you were jamming so goddamn hard. I mean, it was really just like, a bobbing up and down motion, but you were doin’ it with your whole body and for a solid five minutes before your mom put you back in your little stroller or whatever.
So I guess, thank you or whatever, for helping me find my holiday spirit, even though I’m sure I’ll lose it again when I hafta go to a crowded public place again.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Thanksgiving Day Readers

Dear Thanksgiving Day Readers,
I’m thankful for you folks. I’m also pretty thankful for the several hundred miles between me and my family members… but mostly you.
Oh, and rum, yeah, definitely thankful for rum.
Pretty much rounds out the list. But seriously, readers, thanks so much and have a happy holiday!
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Facebook Friends

Dear Facebook Friends,
This time of year, I’m willing to admit, I can get a little Grinch-like. What can I say, the holidays bring something awful out in me. But I’ve tried to be good!
As everybody posts about “so excited to be home for the holidays!” and “can’t wait to see my brother!” I have held my tongue.
All in exchange for what happens today.
See, you may be excited to see mommy and daddy, where I pretty much live in perpetual fear that they’ll actually call this holiday season, but you have one problem that I never will.
That is, of course, the trip back home. When you stay put for the holidays, like myself, there’s no overcrowded airports or delayed flights.
But those aren’t the things that make me happy. I mean, how awful would I be if I took pleasure in the suffering of others?
It’s the posts. “Ugh, FINALLY taking off!” and “This better be worth it!”
It’s the fact that every year, some asshole tries to tell me that I shouldn’t be bitter about the holidays and then the day before Thanksgiving comes around and s/he is unquestionably the most negative person on the whole social media site.
At least I own my negativity and don’t pretend to be better than it. Enjoy the holidays!
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,
I’ve never been a big family guy… okay, if you knew how to turn on your TV, I’d explain that I’m not talking about the Fox sitcom, but that seems like it’ll probably just confuse you.
Our family, full of great people, just kinda overwhelms me. Sometimes it even awakens in me this bizarre competitive spirit that I never knew existed. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
I know family isn’t a competition. To think of it as such is just- well, it’s unhealthy, really!
But theoretically, if it was a competition, I want you to know- well, our family might be losing.
With so many branches of the Kersten clan, it’s hard to say, but with four kids total in our immediate family, with no husbands or wives, no children to speak of, and certainly no intentions of domesticating anytime soon, just thought you should know, when it comes to “Who Can Raise the Biggest Family?” we are well aware that this particularly sect of the Kerstens aren’t blessed with much God-given talent.
I mean, I know I’m already 25 so I should probably have 2 kids already (according to Catholic logic) but why don’t you check back with me next year? Gimme a little extra time, and maybe I can settle down with a middle-aged divorcee with 3 kids from a previous marriage. Just tryin’ to make ya proud!
Sincerely,
Calhoun