Dear Waiter

Dear Waiter,
Hi, can I talk to you for a second? No, it’s not about the food, the food is great, thanks, it’s- well, it’s kinda weird.
See, I couldn’t help but notice that the guy I’m eating with, who’s actually younger than me, got a “sir” and this whole night, you’ve been referring to me as “man.” I mean, that’s weird, right?
I’ve never been into the hierarchy of customer vs. waiter so it’s not that, it’s just kinda weird is all.
I mean, do I not look like a sir to you? Do I really look like the “man” type?
Is it the long hair? Or maybe it’s the tattoos?
I’m just saying, I’d like the same pretend respect you’re giving to the guy sitting across the table from me, is that so much to ask?
Actually, ya know what, as I type this out, I just feel like the most gigantic ass. You don’t hafta call me sir. Hell, if you don’t wanna refer to me at all, I’m actually pretty okay with that.
It was just weird, okay? He got the BBQ burger and a “sir” and I got a turkey burger and a “man.”
I mean, that’s weird, right? Yeah, I think I’m officially overthinking it…
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Asshole Hailing a Cab at a Bus Stop

WARNING: Post contains “mature” language. Then again, if you didn’t get that from the title, you’re probably a dumbass. Oops, there I go again…

Dear Asshole Hailing a Cab at a Bus Stop,
I understand you’re an important guy and you gotta get to your job on time or something like that, but other people do too.
I can see how you might not think that this affects you, but see, when you hail a cab at a bus stop, it does.
It’s true, it’s not really directly affecting you. It’s more of an indirect “fucking everyone else over” kind of effect.
See, when cabs stop at the bus stops, bus drivers tend to have to stall a little, throwing off the bus schedule, no matter how gradually.
But let’s get at the root of the real problem, shall we? It’s not really about time management, is it? (This is the part where I would normally do the Good Will Hunting “it’s not your fault” speech to soften you up a little bit)
So what is it? Mommy and daddy didn’t love you enough? Uncle Larry touched you in a bad place? Or could it possibly be that you’re just too goddamn lazy to walk across the street, in any direction, to distance yourself from the actual bus stop to hail your cab?
Please don’t mistake my tone for genuine concern. I just kinda wanted to make you feel bad about yourself… dick.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Homeless Man Waving His Dick at Me on the El

Dear Homeless Man Waving His Dick at Me on the El,
Look, it’s not that I’m not flattered. I mean, a guy like me?
I’m surprised a man with three remaining tobacco-stained teeth would ever notice someone like me, but you went ahead and made my day anyway, didn’t you?
I just feel like it would never work.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like at least the offer of a drink before we get to that very serious stage of our relationship where you start randomly flashing me, but we didn’t even get to have a beginning and now, I’m afraid that it might be the end.
I’m no good for you anyway.
I’m too high maintenance. I wanna live the high life. You know, four walls, a ceiling, maybe even some running water?
It’d just never work out.
But don’t think for a second that I wasn’t flattered.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear God

Dear God,
I know we’ve had words in the past… well, actually, my version of having words with you always seemed to take the form of not having words with you… but ya know what? Considering you’re supposed to be the creator of the known Universe, why don’t you be the bigger man and just let that one slide?
Anyways, I know I was never you’re favorite guy, but I was just curious… well, this is actually kinda awkward now… how do I put this delicately? Do you um… do you ever regret creating man and woman?
I only ask because I know if I was in your position, I sure as hell would. Ooh, sorry, poor choice of words. Anyways, I’m just sayin’, after all you do, they end up casting Val Kilmer as you in The Prince of Egypt? Don’t get me wrong, love the movie, and I know you’re supposed to be all about forgiveness and everything, but man, something’s are just unforgivable.
Sincerely,
Well, if you’re God and all, you should probably know who wrote this

P.S. You get some wacky stuff when you Google Image your name…