Dear Valet

Dear Valet,
No, this isn’t about my car. Let’s be honest. I think you and I both know that I wouldn’t be able to afford your services… which kinda made you sound like a prostitute, my bad. No, this is more about the stink-eye that you give me every time I walk past your posh restaurant.
If it were between you and me, I wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near it either. Actually, allow me to clarify. It wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near me. See, I was late to the neighborhood. The zoning stuff had already gone through. There was nothing I could do, but hey, that’s fine, at least it provides job opportunities for people in the area, right?
Oh… no? No, you only hire a specific “type” of person? How worldly and refined of you to discriminate based on outward appearances. Man, I just don’t know what people mean when they say Hollywood is devoid of morals or compassion. I mean, it’s weird, right?
So, I get it. You don’t like “people like me.” I’m not sure if it’s the tattoos or the tussled, devil-may-care hairstyle, or if I just don’t make enough money for you to feign interest in me (hey, look, another prostitute reference…) but I really couldn’t care less. Just stop with the stink-eye.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Other Driver

The damage to my car after the accident.

Disclaimer: I know this is so unlike me, but this is a vaguely serious post. You’ve been warned.

Dear Other Driver,
How are you since our little accident? My insurance company tells me not well.
I know it’s been almost a month since our collision, but I’d just like to get some facts straight.
Yes, I had the stop sign and I was the one performing the turn across traffic.
So yes, I was at fault. I’m willing to accept that and I’m willing to pay the damages.
I still think the fact that you were going 55 MPH in a 35 zone should factor in there somehow, but according to insurance, it doesn’t and I’ve accepted that.
I did all the things a good driver should do after an accident.
I moved my car out of the intersection. I asked if you were okay. I gave you my insurance information. I called the necessary people.
So yeah, I guess I’m a little confused why 3 weeks after the accident you are just now claiming you were injured.
I know some injuries take a little time to present themselves. I also know that not all people are good people and some folks are willing to claim injuries to get a bigger chunk of cash. I don’t know which category you fall into.
But if you could just know one thing about me, I hope it’s this.
If you wanted more money, I would give it to you. Because it kills me to think that I was capable of hurting another person.
Sincerely,
Calhoun