Dear Weather,
It’s May. Or as we like to call it in North Carolina, the start of summer.
Why, then, can I see steam rise from the ground when my dog pees in the morning?
Why does it look like I’m smuggling BBs under my undershirt when I go outside?
For God’s sake, Weather, get your act together!
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear ABC Spirits,
You’re fuckin’ weird.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of how nice your stores are, but am i in a liquor store or a goddamn Macy’s?
I just think it’s kinda weird that you guys take such pride in your appearance, but here’s the thing… you’re a government-run liquor store (North Carolina regulates liquor sales) so… uh- how do I put this lightly?
You folks have absolutely no competition.
You don’t hafta try so damn hard! Or at least encourage other states to pick up the slack.
Chicago’s liquor stores are garbage…
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear North Carolina,
Ya know what? In retrospect, we probably shoulda just let you go on your way when you seceded back in the 19th century, but ya know what?
America was all, like, “Nah, guys, I think we should give ‘em a second chance.”
Thanks for proving us wrong… again. Thanks a lot, North Carolina.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
