Dear Lady on the Other End of the Phone

Dear Lady on the Other End of the Phone,
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.
I was sorta pickin’ up on a Pillow Talk thing we had goin’ on… well, except the whole thing where I’m gay, but then again, Doris Day and Rock Hudson is pretty ga- yeah, no, let’s call it a Pillow Talk thing.
Anyways, I’m glad we’ve had these last few days to speak at ungodly hours in the morning.
It was becoming part of my morning routine.
Get phone call, groggily explain that this is not Jennifer Johnson’s phone, hang up, and then get my day started.
I was a little sad to hear that you finally caught on this morning and decided to update your records to show that this is not Ms. Johnson’s number.
Does that mean no more wake-up calls?
I could always count on you for that one…
Anyways, now that our long-distance telephone affair has come to an end, I just wanted to say, thanks for the hazy memories of you calling at 7 AM. I’m sure Karl appreciates it too. Your telephone calls mean he got fed earlier than usual.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Autocorrect

Dear Autocorrect,
Fuck you. “Taco” totally is a word.
Stop saying “I want to go to Lucy’s for a taxi.”
The fact that “taco” doesn’t even exist in my Autocorrect dictionary feels a little racist, even.
Nice, Verizon. It’s 2013. I thought we were post-racial.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Verizon

Dear Verizon,
Do you not see the problem? How do I cal ahead for an appointment, when I am making the appointment for my phone not working?
Ya know what, why don’t you just say your rationale out loud again.
I’m hoping the third time you explain it, you might see the fundamental flaws.
Oh, and any time you wanna stop talking down to me? Yeah, I could go for that.
Thanks.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Telemarketers

Dear Telemarketers,
How’s it goin’? Listen, I’m not here to bitch to you about how to do your jobs or “don’t call during dinner.” I mean, who am I having dinner with that’s so damned important?
Now, I’m not nuts about your calls at 8 in the morning, but even that’s besides the point. Well, okay, it’s kinda the point… allow me to explain.
You wanna call me at 8 in the morning and wake me up? That’s your prerogative. All I hafta do is politely say, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested, but thank you for calling.”
But if you’re gonna be calling me at 8 in the morning, you better at least put someone on the other end of the phone! None of this “being woken up by automated messages or robots or whatever” stuff.
At least have a little respect and have someone real wake me up, unnecessarily, to tell me about some unbelievable offer that I, frankly, find quite believable and still unimpressive.
It’s the least you can do.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Autocorrect

Dear Autocorrect,
We’ve been friends for awhile now. I’d like to think I know you… or rather, you know me.
Sure, we were a little cautious at first, but who isn’t in any new relationship?
In time, we got over it and in time, I even grew to love you. You knew me so well. Who else knew that I like to end my texts with words like “yo” and “dawg” (not to be confused with “to” and “saw”)?
I knew when I got a new phone, things would be different. We had history. All of a sudden all of it was gone. I know it’ll be hard for you to trust me again, but please, just give me a chance… give us a chance.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

P.S. In the future, my most frequently texted word is “cunt” so you can stop correcting it to “vinyl”

Dear Young Woman on the Phone Across From Me

Dear Young Woman on the Phone Across From Me,
I understand you must be busy. Your mind must be racing most of the time, but conducting business at a coffee shop?
Okay, yes, most of us do it, but the difference is, most of us are tele-commuters whose only noise is the typing of the keyboard.
As you prattle on about salmon and kosher options, I can’t help but be filled with the desire to take an air horn to my ears and temporarily deafen myself so that I don’t have to hear anymore about the alarmingly uninteresting trials and tribulations of your daily life.
Matters weren’t helped when you ended your call with a “peace out.”
(For readers, imagine the whitest woman alive uttering those words… painful, isn’t it?)
I don’t pretend to know much about the professional world, but is that really an accepted form of saying goodbye?
Then again, the horrid words leaving your lips at least meant an end to your conversation, so I guess I can’t be too upset.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Phone

Dear Phone,
Enough with your judgment, okay?
I know I have a voicemail.
I know I have an unread text message.
So let’s just stop with the judgmental blinking light, okay?
I’m a busy guy, I’ve got better things to do than to spend all my time on my phone.
Like today, for instance.
I was busy playing with the dog.
We have this great game where I put my hand down in one place and then I quickly move it to another.
Ya know what? I’m probably not doing a great job of explaining it.
The point is, I’ve got stuff goin’ on, okay?
Sincerely,
Calhoun