Dear Universe,
Thank you. Thank you for kicking my ass this week. I really needed a reminder of how lost and alone I am right now.
But I thought, “hey, you’re throwin’ me a bone here.” Something good finally happened.
Of course, you now tell me that this good thing is an emotional minefield and there’s pretty much of me getting out with some scars.
So thank you so much for that and go fuck yourself.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear Guy I’m Replacing in the Apartment,
Look, I’m glad you got a new place with your girlfriend, but I was supposed to move in yesterday.
It’s weird… cuz I know you have a place to live.
Ya know what I don’t have?
A fuckin’ place to live.
I’m glad you could get your stuff out by two today (even though I saw you drive away, instead of packing after we met) but… I mean, I was kinda hoping that I would have more than 6 hours to move in before I had to go to work.
Yeah… let’s work on that, okay?
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear Very Specific Reader Who Texted Me Last Night About No New Posts,
Sorry I couldn’t write yesterday. I was a little busy, oh I dunno, driving across the country!
So please accept my sincerest apologies that you didn’t have one of my oh-so-witty five sentence rants to read yesterday.
I’ll do my best to never fail you like that again.
In between the driving and the not-writing or the drinking and catching up with old friends my hometown and the not-writing, I don’t know how I could betray you like that by not writing one of these posts.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear Katherine Kersten,
They say you don’t get to choose your family and after yesterday’s display, I’ve never wished more that the age-old adage was wrong.
The passive-aggressive comments and “holier than thou” attitude is one thing, but yesterday, I can officially say that I am ashamed to be any relation of yours.
For those of you that don’t know, Kathy Kersten is a conservative columnist for a Minneapolis newspaper and also, my aunt.
Luckily, politics have never played much of a part in our relationship as I avoid the discussion at all costs.
But Kathy, you made that impossible yesterday when you testified against marriage equality in Minnesota yesterday.
I used to think we didn’t get along because your politics were always informed by your religious fervor.
I’ve never been much of a God-fearing man nor am I a practicing Catholic, but as I remember it, the teachings of Christ are love and compassion for your fellow human beings.
That testimony showed neither love nor compassion.
It didn’t even regard your own flesh and blood as something human.
Truth be told, I’m beginning to question if you’re human. To be able to do that, knowing that it’s breaking the hearts of your family is truly heartless.
I can’t say I expected better because I’ve never had much faith in humankind, but now more than ever, I want to be wrong again.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear Universe,
No, not like the solar system universe. I mean all that karma bullshit, ya know?
Okay, maybe I shouldn’t call it “bullshit” if I’m trying to cash in a favor… I’m just a bit of a skeptic.
All I’m saying is, and don’t take this the wrong way, you owe me.
I’ve had a shit year and in the past few days, all signs pointed to it getting worse.
Now, I have a lead on a job (albeit a barback position in a gay bar but, eh, who am I to turn my nose up at that?) and a possible apartment in Asheville.
Don’t fuck me outta this one this one, Universe.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear Social Media Friends,
It has come to my attention that I may broadcast my lifestyle in a way that makes it seem… more than what it is.
This was brought to my attention by a friend who expressed concern over my wanting to move to North Carolina which he deemed “not worth it.”
Obviously well-intentioned, it was not well-received, with me responding that I know what I’m looking for better than anyone else.
Cattiness ensued, which I thankfully walked away from, but not before seeing his response about how I look like I’m going from trip to trip (I didn’t realize moving across the country was going from trip to trip) and posting about day drinking and passing out early. I didn’t realize that day drinking was considered a good thing. Truth be told, I do it and even I don’t see it as a good thing. Usually it’s the first sign of alcoholism… I mean, I’m not that bad, but yeah, day drinking isn’t a sign of being carefree, trust me.
That being said, I’m aware that I usually put up a bit of a wall, letting people see what I want them to see. I just never thought I’d have friends that judged me for what they saw on the surface instead of taking the time to look beyond it.
It’s weird… maybe that’s why I don’t like people much. Who knows?
Anyways, better luck next time with your off-base, pop psychology diagnosis, friend-o.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
First name that showed up when you search “Maggie.” Out of respect for Maggie’s privacy, I did NOT post a picture of her… even though I should have…
Dear Maggie,
You were on to something yesterday.
I was ignoring your Fringe texts.
The you found a loophole… you’re right, I never said anything about tweets or Facebook messages.
The point is, I still hate you for making my phone buzz as you give me a play-by-play of a show I’ve already seen.
In fact, you said so yourself, you were gonna give up on it until I convinced you to stick with it… this is my reward for turning you on to an awesome show?!?
I’m pulling a “White Tulip” and going back in time so that you never watch Fringe and I never hafta be plagued by your various social media interactions about the show.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear Quentin Tarantino,
There’s this thing called humility, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it… see, when accepting an award that is pretty much saying, “oh my god, look how great this guy is!” the proper response is not “I know, right?!?”
Still, I’m glad that you acknowledged the performances of your actors and actresses… that you were so generous to write for them.
Yup, your second opportunity to show some modesty was blown by your self-aggrandizing and ridiculously pompous attitude.
Sally Menke made you tolerable to me, but with her gone? It’s pretty much confirmed that I can’t bring myself to watch you or your shit anymore.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
Dear World,
Not today, okay?
Just- like, any day but today.
Just fuck off.
Hatefully yours,
Calhoun
PS Your smile is stupid
Dear Universe,
I’ll admit, I’ve always been the first one to call you on your bullshit.
That whole The Secret thing that Oprah kept hawking? Total crap.
Still, times are tough, figured it was at least worth a shot.
See, my move is in… well, less than a month and my whole roommate thing just fell through, which means my place to live fell through, which means I will be moving to a city completely blind.
Totally sounds like an updated “Nigerian Prince” e-mail, right?
Swear it isn’t. So, look, universe, I’m not asking for any hand outs or anything like that, but if you could maybe send a little help my direction, perhaps in the form of a well-placed Craigslist ad that doesn’t make me feel like I’m gonna need to sleep with a knife under my pillow? I mean, I guess that’d be pretty cool of you…
Sincerely,
Calhoun
