Dear Grindr Guys

Dear Grindr Guys,
Now, no one has mistaken me for observant in my 25 years of life, but I couldn’t help but notice something.
In your little “about Me” section, I almost always see the words “No hook-ups” or “Looking for LTR” (Long-term relationship, for those of you who don’t speak abbrevs) at the bottom.
Yet, you guys always seem to be the ones sending me dick pics…
I’m a great many things, but chaste? Not one of ‘em.
Not slutty, but not chaste. There’s a lotta room in between the two, amirite?
It just seems to me “No hook-ups” is usually code for “whichever way you wanna take me.”
I mean, it’s like the slutty Bat-signal or whatever.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. Sex is great between two consenting adults.
I’m just saying, at least own it.
Cuz seriously, this “no hook-ups” thing, followed by some pictures of your downstairs parts, followed by the oh so romantic proposal of “into?” is getting old.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear “Big Ol’ Bottom”

Dear “Big Ol’ Bottom”,
I wish I could say I was flattered.
I’m not.
In fact, I’m a little creeped out.
The truth of the matter is, going to a gay bar, you expect to run into a few oddballs, or at least I do.
Still, the whiskey breath paired with the poorly done tribal tattoos and general skeeziness?
It’s just not doin’ it for me.
Plus, considering you had to slur it in my ear at least three times before I understood what you were saying, your chances aren’t great.
Still, thanks for oversharing.
Oh, and remember when you misplaced the back lid of the toilet? That was good for a laugh too.
Thanks for the general amusement, but I’m still gonna hafta pass.
Sincerely,
Calhoun