Dear Very Specific Reader Who Texted Me Last Night About No New Posts,
Sorry I couldn’t write yesterday. I was a little busy, oh I dunno, driving across the country!
So please accept my sincerest apologies that you didn’t have one of my oh-so-witty five sentence rants to read yesterday.
I’ll do my best to never fail you like that again.
In between the driving and the not-writing or the drinking and catching up with old friends my hometown and the not-writing, I don’t know how I could betray you like that by not writing one of these posts.
Dear Craigslist Poster,
I was writing because I was inquiring about a writing position you had posted.
Gay? You got it.
Man? Last time I checked…
I’m just getting hung up on that last part. “Recently dumped.”
Can we expand “recently” to include the last two years? Cuz that’s the only way I’m qualified…
Oh, but I am angry, you better believe it!
Want me to prove it? I can tell a bunch of orphans that Santa doesn’t exist?
Too far? All I’m saying is, I’m the man for the job!
Oh… I’m also saying I desperately need a job.
So, I guess I’m saying two things… whatever, just lemme know.
Where ya been lately? Even as I type this, I realize how hackneyed I’ve become by writing you a letter… or maybe it’s edgy.
I mean, meta is very in right now, just ask Scream 4. Oh right… meta just makes most of America feel stupid.
Okay, scrap that. I’m just a cliché. Ya know, there’s something oddly serene about finally being able to acknowledge that.
Or maybe the tedium that has become living inside my own head is setting in and I’ve just embraced the sweet, sweet smell of mediocrity.
Either way, if you’re interested in making a guest appearance, it’d be much appreciated.
I’m pretty sure my Woody Allen-esque neuroses are starting to wear on some folks and the charm of it is fading.
Help a struggling writer out?
Dear Past Me,
This is not to be confused with the . This is more a note to the Me that I’ve become… and probably still am right now.
Anyways, we need to talk about your priorities.
Look, I know you’re doing film festival coverage, thesis, and trying to plan a move cross country in the next few months, but seriously? How could you forget to post yesterday?
I mean, that’s just selfish.
You know that you make other people’s days with your hilarious insights and curmudgeon-like nature at only 24 years old.
Let’s make sure this doesn’t happen again, okay?
Present You (Or is it Present Me? Ya know what, let’s just stick with Calhoun)
PS To readers, I really and truly am sorry that I dropped the ball yesterday, but rest assured, it won’t happen again. Well, it might… but I’ll try not to, deal?