Dear Target Employee Cautiously Watching Me in the Young Men’s Department

Dear Target Employee Cautiously Watching Me in the Young Men’s Department,
I can assure you, this is not what it looks like. Judging from the confused and slightly sickened look on your face, you’re already thinking the worst of me. What is it about a broad-shouldered, tattooed, 20-something man walking around the young men’s department… okay, ya know what, I’m not even gonna finish that sentence.
I just wanted to clear the air. I’m not perusing the area to kidnap young children or search for my next boyfriend or anything like that, so seriously, you can stop asking me if you can help me find anything.
See, you may not know it from the looks of me (In fact, I’m fairly certain you wouldn’t), but I’m actually there for clothes for myself. That’s right, I wear clothes from the Young Men’s department. I figure at 23 (soon going on 24) the fact that a children’s XL is a decent fit is nothing short of a miracle. Really, it’s kinda the only advantage to having my body type, so why not embrace it?
Besides, do you realize how hard it is to find non-distressed Batman shirts in the men’s department? Because I can tell you right now, my friend, it is not an easy task.
So believe me, I know what it looks like, but I’d just like to set the record straight, I have no intention of stealing any children, so please just let me shop in peace.
Sincerely,
Unsatisfied Customer

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