Dear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Dear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
I’m sure you get fan letters all the time. I mean, after all, you are mutants and ninjas… isn’t that the best of both worlds? I know that was my dream, at least.
But this isn’t your average fan letter about how much you meant to me or any of that cliché stuff. No, this is one of forgiveness.
Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael I forgive you for what you did to me when I was a kid.
As Jesus said, you knew not what you did. But just so we’re clear, I have every intention of telling you so that you know how merciful and forgiving I am.
The year was 1993. Your third movie had just come out. You know, the one with time travel? I was such a devoted fan, I even saw that one. Anyways, the excitement (and probably the sugar high from movie theater candy at such a young age) hadn’t worn off, so I was doing what every 6 year old kid at the time would do. I was imitating you guys to the best of my abilities. For some reason, “the best of my abilities” included jumping up and down on the bed, doing ninja kicks in the air, and yelling “cowabunga!” at the top of my lungs, much to my mother’s dismay.
All was well and good, until my last jump, which didn’t exactly go as planned… I mean, it started ou t well. I did my jump. I did my kick in the air. I yelled my “cowabunga!” but on the way back down, I failed to pull my leg back into position, causing me to land doing the splits. Impressive, right?
Well, it’s probably more impressive if I was able to do it without breaking my leg in three places.
It’s taken a lotta time to get over that whole experience. Forget the weeks spent in a clunky blue (they didn’t have my first choice of orange) cast, but the emotional toll it took on me? There wasn’t a single family event for the next decade that didn’t feature some variation of that story. But that’s behind me now. You are forgiven.
I know, it’s awfully big of me to say that, but you can repay me by sending me an autographed picture or one of Raphael’s sais.
TMNT Trauma Victim


2 thoughts on “Dear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

  1. TMNT Trauma Victim… Brilliant 🙂
    My mon kicked me outside when I was playing Turtle and I never gor myself injured, but I feel for you and I am sure the boys will love to know that you forgive them 🙂
    If Raphael sends you one of his sais, please post pictures… I must see it 🙂

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