Dear Drunken Acquaintance Who I Haven’t Seen for About 5 Years

Dear Drunken Acquaintance Who I Haven’t Seen for About 5 Years,
It’s been too long. No, seriously it has because I can barely recognize you and I don’t think the 5 or 6 shots of Jameson are to blame.
You’ve… grown up. No, no, no, I don’t mean that as a polite way of saying you’ve gotten fat or your hair is balding. I’m just saying I hardly recognized you!
I’m so glad you stopped me to say hi! Here I am with my friends and there you are with yours, but I’m glad you felt compelled to interrupt my rousing discussion with one of my buddies to spit out the words “hello” and a couple of awkward platitudes of the “you look great!” and the “it’s been too long!” variety.
I’m glad we’re at that stage in our friendship… well, more like “familiar-ship.” I dunno, I mean, are we friends? I guess I never really thought about it till now. I never see you outside of class and the last class we had together was literally years ago.
I absolutely agree, that is a shame. Yes, we really should do something about that!
… Oh, you meant, like, right now? Wait, why are you taking out your cell phone? Why are you asking for my number?
Good God, haven’t you ever run into an acquaintance at a bar before? Nobody actually does these things or hangs out afterward. It’s just a figure of speech, like “you look nice” or “I’m sure the tumor is benign.” Nobody actually says it and means it.
Ugh, fine. Yes, coffee sounds great. No, no, I’m not sure we can handle an entire meal together, let’s just stick to coffee.
It’s a date then.
Yeah, can’t wait to hear from you.
Lookin’ forward to it.
Sincerely,
It’s Not Me, It’s You

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