Dear Zombie Jesus

Dear Zombie Jesus,
Welcome back!
A lot’s changed since you were here last.
Yes, Lindsay Lohan is still fucking up her life.
No, unfortunately no one really listens to Ace of Base that much anymore… bummer, right?
There’s a real Housewives for just about every major city (although for some reason New Jersey only gets one for the entire state…)
Republicans are still trying to pry Medicare out of the half-dead hands of the elderly.
Oh yeah, and remember your dad, God?
He’s been played by Morgan Freeman, Whoopi Goldberg, and Alanis Morissette.
Yeah… we’re doin’ good…
Call if you have any questions!
Sincerely,
Calhoun

PS Wait til you get a load of running water! You’re gonna love it

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