Dear Karl

Dear Karl,
I know we’ve only been living together a little while now, but I feel like we need to lay down some ground rules.
Naturally, having this discussion face-to-face would have been ideal, but I couldn’t get past the whole awkwardness of the situation.
It’s nothing we can’t get through it’s just, well, some of my requests are of a more personal nature.
I get that you’re an affectionate guy, I do, but we hafta draw the line somewhere because this is just starting to get weird.
Like, the crotch-licking? I’m all about the hygiene, so I let it slide despite the horrifying slurping noises I hear coming from your corner of the bed.
We only start to have a problem when you finish up, then promptly come over and try to lick my face.
That, my friend, is not gonna work here.
But while we’re on the topic of licking, as much as I appreciate you trying to get me up in the morning, there are appropriate ways to do it and there are inappropriate ways.
Example of an inappropriate way? When you come up to the side of the bed and start to lick my nipple.
Seriously buddy, I’m gonna hafta start sleeping with a shirt on at this rate.
Other inconveniences include the howling whenever I leave, the gassy nature of your daily routine, and your tendency to drip all over the floor after you drink from your water bowl, but these are issues for another day.
For now, let’s just try and get the licking under control, shall we?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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