Dear Pamela Voorhees,
In honor of this special day, I just thought I’d write you on your day.
You know, Friday the 13th.
People always seem to forget that it all started with you.
I mean, sure, Jason picked up the slack after the whole “losing your head incident” but even then, Jason was just doing it to get back at them for your death… and ya know what I call that, Pamela?
That’s called good parenting.
I mean, how many other parents do you know that would be willing to kill for their kid?
No, I’m not talking about those people that say, ‘Oh, I’d do anything for my son.” I’m talking about those people that see the opportunity to take action and seize the day, by grabbing a machete and hacking up sexy teenagers.
Truly, you’re an inspiration. A role model even.
I know that I took your message, that it’s okay to kill in the name of your children, to heart. So thank you for that valuable life lesson.
Now all I gotta do is find someone to be my surrogate so I can have some kids and then I’ll just start choppin’ away.
So thank you, Pamela. Thank you for giving me something to aspire to.
PS I don’t buy into all that stuff about you screwing up your son for life. I mean, does anyone blame Norman Bates’s mother for what he became? Well, actually they might… lemme get back to you when I have a better example.