Dear Alfred

Dear Alfred,
Thank you.
I love me some batman but I can’t imagine you hear that a lot. Especially if the real Batman is anything like God Damn Batman on Twitter.
I mean, here you are risking life and limb just to keep some playboy slash superhero’s giant mansion clean. The amount of dusting that the Batcave needs alone must be staggering.
And does he ever say thank you? Okay… well, yes, there are some episodes where he says thank you, but considering all he does for you, it’s hardly enough!
Hell, even when Bruce is trying to do something nice for you, he usually ends up almost killing you!
Remember when he let you and your lady friend go to that resort in his stead and it ended up being a front for Poison ivy to turn rich corporate types into trees?
Yeah, where was the “Sorry, fucked up on that one” fruit basket for that one? Or just once after a huge showdown at Wayne Manor, it’d be nice if he at least got you a cookie bouquet for all your hardwork.
After all, you’re Alfred fuckin’ Pennyworth.
You’re a pretty big deal yourself, man. It’s not every guy who can say he used to be a British secret service agent… although I probably shouldn’t broadcast that over the internet.
The point is, have some self-respect man! It’s high time Wayne/Batman/whatever you wanna call him starts treating you like the Pennyworth you are!
Sincerely,
The Dr. Phil of Lowly Supporting Characters in Comics

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