Dear Gentleman Overcompensating for his Small Penis

Dear Gentleman Overcompensating for his Small Penis,
It must be hard (pun absolutely intended) to be you. I mean, I don’t care what those condom ads tell you, size does matter. Not in a graphic sorta way, I just mean… well, it’s not really important what it means, is it? See, this letter isn’t so much about the size of your junk but, well, your method of coping.
We all have our ways of dealing with things and I won’t begrudge you that… until you start revving it right outside my window at 6 in the morning… and then again at 6:37… and another time at 7:14.
Noticing a trend? Cuz I am. Forget the fact that you always seem to come around again just as I’ve managed to fall back asleep, how about the environment, buddy? It can’t be good for anyone to be using that much gas.
But I get it, you gotta prove your virility as a male. It explains the choice of motorcycle, the constant revving of the engine, all of it really. I understand the pathetic act of desperation and your even sadder attempts to overcompensate, but I gotta say, I’m more interested in sleeping than your issues of self-worth.
Besides, they’ve got pills and creams and all sorts of stuff for that thing now. So how about living out your middle-aged insecurity in a less cliché way, huh? I’m pretty sure most people in my neighborhood would really appreciate it. I know I certainly would.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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