Dear Uncomfortably Aggressively Flirtatious Guy

I actually would've preferred this

Dear Uncomfortably Aggressively Flirtatious Guy,
A compliment is one thing… in fact, you can tell by the fact that I said “thanks, man” and turned away from you. Truth of the matter is I don’t even much care for compliments, but still, it comes from a good place, so why the hell not?
Asking me to sit by you? Okay, now we’re getting into some weirder territory… That’d probably explain why I shyly smiled and went about ordering my drink from the register. The fact that I did not, in fact, sit by you should indicate some lack of interest on my part. I should’ve probably verbalized it by now, but hindsight is 20/20 sorta thing.
No, but I think it was when I clearly didn’t return to sit next to you, but you came and sat next to me, despite me clearly stating that I was trying to get work done and even wearing my headphones to block out your inane prattling. I don’t think there are enough words in the English language for how uncomfortable I was at this point.
But oh wait, it actually gets worse. The rousing and staggeringly one-sided conversation you had about auras and numerology was finally the breaking point. Not only did I spend most of that conversation just thinking to myself “wow, this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard” but about halfway through, I couldn’t help but notice you had something stuck in your teeth. While you continued to talk for 20 more minutes, trying to hold my hand a couple of times in there, I could not stop staring at whatever that was…
Was it a poppyseed? Does Caribou even sell anything with poppyseeds?
Needless to say, these questions were far more interesting than anything you had to say, so please forgive me that I had to make an excuse to leave, but rest assured, you probably wouldn’t have stopped talk anytime soon and, well, no matter how long you talked, the conversation really wasn’t gonna lead where I think you were hoping it would.
Better luck next time…
Regretfully Yours,
Calhoun

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2 thoughts on “Dear Uncomfortably Aggressively Flirtatious Guy

    • It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life…
      Funny how those always turn out to be good inspiration for writing though, ya know?

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