Dear Woman in a Cocktail Dress Pushing an Empty Grocery Cart Down Broadway

Dear Woman in a Cocktail Dress Pushing an Empty Grocery Cart Down Broadway,
What’s your story?
I mean, not that I don’t appreciate the subtlety of stumbling down a crowded street with only one high heel on while you push a grocery cart, but let’s be honest… there’s a story there.
People don’t just steal grocery carts for no reason… do they?
Well, considering I missed my shot to ask you, I guess the next best thing I can do is theorize.
… is it bad that at least 3 of my 5 theories involve you being a down-on-your-luck hooker with a heart of gold a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?
Sure, it’s not likely, but the only other ones I’ve got involve drug running and a ransom to be paid in gold kruggerands, so I’m kinda at a loss here.
… Ya know what? Just let me believe those.
In reality your story is probably a lot more depressing.
But I just thought you should know, I hope things turn around Princess Ana Sofia of Flugenhorn (did I not mention one of my theories had you as a princess of a made-up kingdom? I probably shoulda led with that one) and your life of exile ends shortly.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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