Dear Extremely Loud Group of Women

Dear Extremely Loud Group of Women,
I’m happy for you that you’re seeing each other again. Really, I am.
In fact, I’m so happy that I almost forgot that it’s only been a mere 24 hours since you last made my ears bleed with your high-pitched shrieking.
No, Susan, I can’t believe that the kids are already in 4th grade.
And Beverly, it’s nuts that you read a whole 50 pages in your self-help book since yesterday. Wherever did you find the time?
But here’s the thing… I’ve tried to find a nice way to say it and all I’ve come up with is, “oh dear God, please shut the fuck up!”
A hush sweeps over the coffee shop as you all prepare to leave.
We wait with bated breath, occasionally exchanging eye rolls with neighbors, as you pack up your car keys and other belongings in preparation for the grueling 2 block walk to your luxury SUVs.
Sadly, it never seems to happen quickly enough.
Oh well, I guess I have Boba Fett headphones for a reason…
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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