Dear Hallmark

Dear Hallmark,
Thank you for the constant reminder that validation comes best in overpriced, sparsely-worded platitudes.
Seriously, I thought I had the world on a string until I realized, “oh wait, no one has spent five bucks on a card that plays ‘I just called to say I love you’ when you open it to read the chicken-scratch signature. Things can’t be going that great for you if nobody has done that.”
But I’ve decided, it’s not fair, the way that you monopolize this greeting card industry.
I mean, there’s gotta be money to be made there.
Here are some of my winning ideas…
“I’m glad your mom had second thoughts on the way to Planned Parenthood… Happy birthday!”
Or if that’s not your style, how about this one?
“If somebody had to figuratively chop off my junk and keep it tucked away in their handbag, I’m glad it’s you… Happy anniversary!”
So take note, Hallmark. You’re not the only greeting card company in town these days.
I have a feeling my cards are gonna take off any day now…
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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2 thoughts on “Dear Hallmark

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