Dear Homo and Hag

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Dear Homo and Hag,
Yours is truly a relationship that will last throughout the ages. Well, that is until something with a 30-inch waist and decent arms comes along… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
The fact of the matter is, when the Religious Right is taking about homosexuality being unnatural, they are undoubtedly referring to the relationship between a fag and his hag.
After all, you really think the likes of Newt Gingrich can understand why a man would hang out with a beautiful woman and not try to fuck her? Such things are beyond him.
But the Religious Right may not be far off. Not about the homosexuality thing. They’re way off base there. But the complex dynamic between gay man and straight woman? It’s kinda… bizarre, if you think about it. Especially when you consider the co-dependent nature of most of these relationships.
So I’m gonna tell you what every Judith Light Lifetime movie will tell you. “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Inspirational shit, right? Basically, deal with the fact that you’ll both be alone at some point. It’s healthier that way.
And for God’s sake, stop calling TiVo-ing Grey’s Anatomy and eating 94% Fat-Free Orville Redenbacher popcorn “date night.” It makes us all look bad.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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