Dear Yelp Reviewer

Dear Yelp Reviewer ,
For the sake of anonymity, I won’t use your name, but you know who you are.
Look, I was browsing Yelp as I was getting ready to grab dinner with a friend. Sure, it was filled with the usual bitching and moaning, but I was struck by your review.
You talked about how you like to get food from this certain location (once again, very top secret…) because they had a special where you could make your own pizza.
The whole thing came with hats and little aprons or whatever. It sounded cheesy as hell, but as you described how you like to get food from there so you and your date can make your own pizza, the overwhelming cheese factor became secondary to the almost nauseating sweetness of this date idea.
So, lemme cut to the chase.
I think you and I should date.
Partially cuz I’m hungry, but also cuz, it’s been a long time since I’ve been the recipient of any romantic gestures.
Sad, but true.
Besides, I think we had a really special connection on Yelp… you just don’t know it yet.
Listen, you don’t hafta decide now, but just think about it, okay?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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