Dear Michael Myers

Dear Michael Myers,
Look, dysfunctional families? I get it.
Trying to kill the sister that didn’t know I was her brother until the second movie? Not so much… but my sister did put gum in my hair one time…
Anyways, I’m just thinking, ya know, a little family never hurt.
Maybe break out those rubber mallets so you can safely hit each other and get your negative feelings out? I just think this “homicidal tendencies” thing has gone too far. I mean, shot, burned alive, thrown down a mine… was all of this worth it to go after your sister and her daughter?
I mean, going after your adorable, and coincidentally homicidal niece? Enough is enough!
But ya know what, don’t make any rash decisions. Just sleep on it, and if you want, I know the number of a really good family therapist.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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