Dear Guests

Dear Guests,
Hi, and welcome to our home. I say “our” meaning my roommates and I. Oh, what the hell? As they say, “Mi casa es su casa!”
Which actually brings me to my point… do you treat “su casa” like garbage or do you just prefer to do that to my house? I mean, I don’t mean to be nitpicky or anything. After all, you’re new here so you probably didn’t know the rules of our house.
For starters, I walked into the kitchen the other day to find the sink full of dirty dishes, a plastic bag from a liquor store half-full of water, three empty aluminum cans, and a package of tuna… I can’t believe that this is just a rule of my house, but yeah, no trash in the sinks, please? That’d be great.
Secondly, when there are three other people in the house if you could keep the TV volume to, well, really just about anything less than the decibel-crushing volume you’ve got now. I already experienced what it was like to lose hearing as a kid. Not eager to repeat it.
Finally, and I don’t mean to sound like a dick but, well, this is not your home. I know, I know, I know what I just said about treating it as if it’s your home, but here’s my problem. You get mad at the dog for, well, being a dog and getting into the trash when you leave him alone in the apartment with your food scraps. He’s a dog. Of course, he’s gonna eat it.
That being said, he’s not just a dog. He my dog. Any and all discipline will be administered by me. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, he technically has more rights in this house than you.
Just remember these simple rules and we’ll be fine. Or leave already? We’d be fine after that too. It’s really your call.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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