Dear Jews

Dear Jews,
In honor of Yom Kippur, I’ve decided to take a page from the Torah and do some atoning of my own.
To my guinea pig when I was six, sorry for trying to give you swimming lessons. Shoulda known that wasn’t gonna work out.
To my second oldest brother, sorry for ratting out your pot stash to mom and dad. To be fair, I’m pretty sure I was just pissed that you wouldn’t share.
And to my friends, I’m sorry that I’m so much better looking than you. And funnier. Did I forget to mention that I’m funnier?
Anyways, I’m not really sure how this atoning thing goes because normally, in Catholic mass, this is where they give us that cardboard, fish food-tasting wafer thing which is supposed to put me on the up-and-up with God or something. I dunno, I never really paid that much attention in church so I could be missing some of the subtleties, but, uh- well, yeah, I guess we’re cool then?
Man, this atoning thing feels great, I don’t understand how you guys have Jewish guilt all the time after this…


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