Dear Upstairs Neighbor

Dear Upstairs Neighbor,
Hey there, guys, lemme just catch you up real quick.
My name is Calhoun, I’m the new guy living in the basement apartment.
Alright, all caught up? Good. Now let’s get down to brass tacks.
Two of you are gay. Two of you are straight.
Us? Down here we make it easy. Big homo apartment.
But you guys, you just insist on being difficult, don’t you?
I mean, I have my hopes for which of you are gay and which are straight, but theorizing doesn’t really help any of us, now does it?
So if you could start wearing name tags… not with your actual names on them, no I’m actually good enough that I still remember them from our introductions. No, if you could wear name tags that state your sexual preference?
Yeah, that’d be great. Or maybe if I could acquire some gaydar? Nah, you guys should probably do the name tags thing… it’s less work on my part.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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