Dear Dog

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Dear Dog,
There are plenty of things I’ll never understand about you. Partially because you can’t talk, but eh, partially cuz I’m just not that invested… anyway, moving on, one of the things that I’ll never understand is why you sleep with your ass in my face. Don’t get me wrong, it normally isn’t a big thing, but well- there’s the whole “darting in your sleep” thing. You see what I’m saying? When you fart yourself awake, it’s kinda funny, kinda cute. When I wake up cuz you farted? Less amusing. So here’s the deal, Karl. All bets are off. From now on, whenever you fart in my face, I’m gonna Dutch Oven you so hard, people are gonna be calling Animal Protective Services… Too far? Yeah, okay, that felt a little too far. But still, the gloves are comin’ off and I’m eatin’ a helluva lotta beans tonight! Consider yourself warned.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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