Dear Amazon

Dear Amazon,
Do I seem the kind of guy who would want to buy the Planet of the Apes 3-film collection on blu-ray?!?
… okay, well, I probably do, mainly because I kinda am that guy, but still, there’s something different about admitting it to yourself and having computer-generated algorithms just assume it about you.
I dunno, maybe I’m just overly sensitive right now, but man, that’s, like, the final nail in the coffin of my sex life.
Waking up to an email from Amazon, telling me that Planet of the Apes 5-film collection is something I might be interested in and it’s on sale? That’s just- I mean, I gave up on me dating a while ago, but thanks to you, Amazon, it has been confirmed that I’ve made the right choice.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go out and buy some knitting needles so I can get a head start on my cat applique sweaters. After all, I’m already 25. Spinsterhood is just around the corner.
… well, at least when I’m bitter, old, and alone, I’ll have Dr. Zaius in hi-def to keep me company.
Yes, Amazon, you were right! I did buy it! Are you happy now?!?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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