Dear Jennifer Lawrence

jennifer-lawrence-golden-globes-2013-red-carpet-03

Dear Jennifer Lawrence,
First of all, I forgive you.
I’m choosing to pretend that somebody held a gun to your head just out the frame while you filmed House at the End of the Street… the lies we tell ourselves, right?
But that’s not what this is about. I um… gosh, I get so nervous around celebrities sometimes… I, uh… have something to ask you. Would you be my fag hag?
I don’t like that term at all. In fact, it’s awful, but still, I can’t think of a better term… would you be the Grace to my Will? I mean, I guess that gets the same thing across.
I mean, you seem like you’d be down with teh gaiz. Plus, I feel like I could always go to you for life advice.
I mean, the young woman that gave us these gems? Yeah, I wanna have her in my corner. Plus, I would totally hold your tampons at awards shows! … that’s, like, that’s a thing that women look for in a friend, right? Yeah, I don’t really have many friends…
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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