Dear Roommates

summerroomates2

Dear Roommates,
I like you guys. Well, I like one of you more than the other… but that’s neither here nor there.
I like you and I want living together to work.
But ya know what’s not gonna work?
The two of you getting wasted after I spent the whole morning cleaning the place, and trashing the place again.
Cuz then I spend the next morning cleaning up again.
And this morning? This morning I found actual dog shit on the carpet. In two separate spots.
How does that even happen?
Okay, yes, I know one of you has a dog and I understand the digestive process so I understand how it works, but how the hell does that not get cleaned up?
But ya know what is the worst offense?
String cheese.
I woke up this morning to find a string cheese wrapper casually strewn on the table.
That was my string cheese, goddamnit! I’ll put up with a lotta shit, but dairy is sacred, you motherfuckers!
… okay, I got a little carried away, but seriously, you touch my cheese again, I take away something you love.
You’ve been warned.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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