Dear Animal Planet

Dear Animal Planet,
I’ve been a loyal viewer since, well, since as long as I can remember.
I mean, a channel that’s playing something other than the Superbowl on Superbowl Sunday?
And puppies no less! I mean, what’s not to love?
Still, I think you could stand to shake things up a little with your programming.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, the whole adorable animals thing is a gold mine. Oh, and animals fucking? (Not sure of the actual show title, but that’s at least the part that I pick up on) I mean, we’re talking programming genius! But maybe something a little less… exotic and something more in line with your viewing audience.
For instance, whenever I wake up in the morning, the dog (who sleeps by my side) gets up, readjusts, then sticks his nose firmly in my armpit and goes back to sleep. What’s that about?
I mean, I’m sure viewers would love to see a segment about a dog with an armpit fetish for some reason… okay, ya know what, now that I’m reading it out loud, yeah, you might wanna stick with your basic programming.
Sorry for wasting your time.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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Dear Muscle Queen with the Teacup Poodle

Dear Muscle Queen with the Teacup Poodle,
I can never figure you out. I mean, why the blatant steroid abuse? Why the tiny ass dog? You, sir, are a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, with testicles the same size as your dog, Bruiser.
Okay, I’m just guessing on that last part, but there are some pretty good scientific articles that’d support my claim.
Anyways, I’m all for defying the stereotypical look, but when I see you carrying that little thing under your arm, mankind weeps for you.
And so I’m gonna tell you what I told the people at the animal rescue I got my dog from… if I could kick it more than ten yards, it’s not a real dog.
Food for thought.
Sincerely,
Calhoun