Dear Karl

Dear Karl,
Seeing as you’re my dog and all, there are some things you and I will never share.
My level of reading comprehension, for example.
So while I know you’ll never be able to read this (unless I read it to you) and you’ll certainly never be able to understand it, I just thought I’d go ahead and get this off my chest.
When you have an accident in the house? I try not to get too annoyed, and I simply clean it up.
Even when you go to the bathroom in the yard, I grin and bear it, and I clean it up.
But it’s not the bathroom duties that disturb me so much.
It’s more, well, the looks. You’re my dog, it’s only natural that I look after you.
But when you give me that look of humiliation as you lock eyes with me while you defecate?
Well, it’s… it’s creepy is what it is. So if you could knock it off? It’d be much appreciated.


Dear Bathroom Users

Dear Bathroom Users,
There really should be only so many, when you share a bathroom with one other dude, but just in case, I’ll speak to the entirety of bathroom users.
What is it that you expect someone to do with one square of toilet paper?
Write a love letter? Fold it in half and cut it into one of those little snowflakes, like the art teacher always made us do back in elementary school when she had a hangover?
There’s nothing you can do with one square of toilet paper!
Certainly not wipe your ass!
So do the world a favor and grab a new roll.
I know for a fact we have them. They’re under the sink, with all your toiletries, while mine are confined to a side cupboard that’s half-filled with old magazines.
So next time you’re shaving or grabbing your moisturizer or whatever it is you do in the bathroom, keep an eye out for the countless rolls of toilet paper.
Hell, you might even wanna take some initiative and put a roll out as a pre-emptive measure.

Dear Karl (Pt. 4)

Dear Karl,
Listen, I’ve entertained your weird abandonment issues thing plenty of times before, but it’s time to put my foot down.
The bathroom.
Now, my time spent in there is my time.
So you constantly trying to push the door open with your nose? Not appreciated.
Not by me nor by my roommates who certainly don’t wanna see me in the shower or on the toilet.
But what really gets me is the logic. I know, I know, as a dog, you aren’t the biggest fan (nor do you really understand) the notion of logic, but allow me to explain something to you.
My bathroom? It does not lead to Narnia. Once I go in there, I will come out the same way.
Just gimme some alone time to do my business, alright bud?

Dear Karl (Pt. 2)

Dear Karl,
I appreciate you letting me know that you need to go out, I really do.
But let’s talk about tact.
Now I get if you can’t help that you wanna go out at 5 in the morning, but there are certain ways of telling me, ya know?
You could bark. I mean, sure, it’s not preferred for the rest of the building, but it gets the job done.
You could even just walk over to the door.
However, the method you chose this morning? Well, I feel like I should tell you… I wasn’t really a fan.
If you wanna sleep beside me in bed, I understand, lotsa dogs do it. You wanna sleep with your head facing my feet? Okay, we’re gettin’ a little weirder, but whatever. This does not mean that it’s okay to wake me up by farting in my face though. It’s just not the best way of waking up. Call me old-fashioned, but why don’t you try barking next time?
I think it might work better for both us.