I know you’re not a huge fan of the gays… but from now on, my boyfriend and I are gonna kiss every time we see you.
That’s what we did the other night and it made you leave every time.
Pretty sure we won that one.
We’re still pretty new so I don’t feel entirely comfortable dragging your name into he blogosphere, but you know who you are.
Since we are still pretty new, I should probably tell you something that you were gonna find out in time anyways.
I’m a wee bit crazy.
Not, like, “I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan!” crazy, but- well, let’s just call it eccentric?
So if I was a little cold to you this morning? I swear I didn’t mean to.
See, I couldn’t remember if you told me I had a big ass last night or if I had just dreamt that.
I can’t think of a context where I would’ve dreamt that… but then again, I can’t imagine that coming up organically in conversation either… either way, I’ve decided to forgive you, so just ignore my contemptuous quiet earlier this morning.
Dear Guy Clearly on a Date Talking on His Cell Phone,
I don’t even know where to start.
I mean, common decency dictates that the person you’re with at least deserves your undivided attention.
But let’s go ahead and assume, for your sake, that your livelihood is directly involved with that phone.
Maybe you’re a stockbroker? Lord knows you look like you have the cocaine addiction for it… or maybe you’re an agent and you were talking to a client? Even with these highly implausible scenarios, there’s a bit of etiquette involved.
For instance, just because you’re holding your date’s hand while you walk down the street doesn’t do much for your credibility, especially when you have a cell phone in the other.
Furthermore, it just takes up more space and makes it more difficult for the rest of us to get by you.
But ya know what? I don’t even know why I’m bothering to tell you.
Guys like you? They never listen.
Besides, if your girlfriend was giving you that “eyes glazed over, bored outta my skull” look out on the street, I can’t imagine you get much better looks in the bedroom. Don’t worry, I’m sure the relationship won’t last.
But if by some deluded sense of self-worth, that girl sticks with you, I hope you two are very happy together.
Just remember to at least put the cell phone on vibrate at your wedding.