Dear Date


Dear Date,
Please explain to me how one can be a “casual” crystal meth user?
Ya know what, I’m actually good. Never mind.
If you could just go, that’d probably be best.


Dear Van Morrison

Dear Van Morrison,
Thanks for the inspirational story.
I’m not just talking about being in your 60s and still being a certified bad-ass (okay, that might be a bit part of it) but it’s more than that.
See, you lived through it all.
You lived through the Janis Joplin’s and the Jimi Hendrix’s.
Thank you for proving that you can be a huge drug addict and you don’t hafta do the whole cliché overdose thing.

Dear Charlie Sheen

Dear Charlie Sheen,
Stop it. Just stop it.
Yeah, you know what you did… I mean, Two and a Half Men? Really?
I can forgive the drug abuse and the hookers. In fact, those were just about the only things I liked about you, but after sitting through an entire episode of that swill you call comedy?
Well, suffice it to say it makes me worry about the sense of humor of most Americans, but then again, even Larry the Cable Guy had his moment in the spotlight.
Bottom line is maybe your substance abuse and likely mental problems won’t be such a bad thing for the rest of us. Sure, it means you’ll be overexposed in the media for awhile, but at least this hurts Two and a Half Men‘s shot at renewal.
I Always Liked Emilio Estevez Better Anyway

P.S. Shouldn’t that little fat kid have been mitzvahed already? I’m just thinking after all the stuff he’s put up with from you and Chuck Lorre, he should probably be counted as a man.

Dear Gary Busey

Dear Gary Busey,
I was really sorry to hear about all this Charlie Sheen nonsense. I mean, does he not know who he’s dealing with? Drugged out and crazy was totally your schtick first.
Then I saw you landed on a reality show with LaToya Jackson so it seems like you’re in good hands. If anything, time with any member of the Jackson family is bound to make you crazier.
So, best of luck with that. Just remember that I believe in you. I bet you can totally outcrazy Sheen.
Busey Believer