Dear Starbucks Employee

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Dear Starbucks Employee,
I know the unkempt beard might suggest otherwise, but I swear I’m not homeless.
… Although I’m sure plenty of homeless folks have tried that line before.
I’m just hanging out here til my boyfriend is done with his doctor’s appointment. I know what you’re thinking, I’m disappointed in me too. I could totally be doing better things with my time than just waiting around… oh, an example? I dunno, I could be watching cartoons? That’s contributing to society, right? Oh, it isn’t?
… who asked you, anyway?!?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

P.S. Pretty sure this is the conversation we would have if I wasn’t too afraid to talk to any of you… I’m that bored.

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Dear Potential Employers (Pt. 2)

Dear Potential Employers,
… hire me? Oh, I’m sorry, where is my sense of professionalism? Hire me, please.
See, I’m not gonna lie to you. Am I the perfect employee? No.
Am I probably gonna show up to work hungover? Most definitely.
But here’s the thing, and I don’t mean to sound cocky or anything, but most of the jobs that I’ve been turned down for?
A monkey could do them. Not even a super-smart one. I’m talking the monkey who graduated last in his class from monkey college.
(Side note, how cute does monkey college sound? Ooh, and their graduation ceremony? Little chimps throwin’ their little graduation hats in the air… okay, I’ve lost focus, back to the point at hand)
I’ve been hearing a lot of “over-qualified” which, I must admit, I’m a little confused on. Over-qualified is… bad? I mean, I’m choosing to work in a place that they won’t hire me because they, what, want better things for me? Well, if I’m over-qualified just about everywhere I go, that kinda leaves me broke and job-less.
What level of over-qualification means you can’t get a job anywhere?
If by “over-qualified” you mean “we’re not willing to pay you what you’re worth in the working world,” that’s cool too. I’ll take a serious salary cut because, well, right now, I don’t have a salary.
Think about our talk. If I don’t get a job soon, I may hafta get another degree just to put off adulthood.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Potential Employers

Dear Potential Employers,
After working hard on my resumé yesterday, I discovered something.
I hate working.
Well, not so much hate at it as, I find it tedious as hell.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll get the job done and all that, but seriously? If you expect me to come in there and kiss your ass as to why I’d love to work there? Well, you’re probably gonna be disappointed.
Sure, there are some places I’d love to work, but who are we kidding? Most of these applications are made more out of necessity than sheer desire.
Still, try not to hold it against me if I’m not as sycophantic as the rest of your interviewees.
Sincerely,
Calhoun