Dear Former Friend

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Dear Former Friend,
I say “former” because “ex” makes it sound like there’s a romantic element, and while there was a time when I would have liked to have a downstairs party with you, that was a loooong time ago.
We decided to go the “just friends” route.
Then I realized that I didn’t have much interest in being friends, either… I mean, sure, we hung out some times, but most of your texts were spent calling me “missy” and other effeminate names which is, well, it’s a solid joke to start with, but it wears after seven months.
Still, I’m sorry we ended our friendship the way we did.
Cuz, like, now I’m remembering that time you made fun of that homeless man? The one who was diabetic and lost a foot?
Yeah, I’m mainly sorry cuz I shoulda ended this friendship sooner.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Gay Friends

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Dear Gay Friends,
All, like, two of you… see, I’ve never had many gay friends: partially because I never felt the need to self-segregate and, well, if we’re being honest, it was probably also due to the fact that I kept sleeping with my gay friends… nobody’s perfect, okay?!? Wait, where was I?
Oh right, why I don’t have many gay friends… well, to be honest, it’s all a little exhausting to me. See, there’s this stereotype, one that most of the gay men in my life are happy to fulfill and that’s no problem, but the trademark cattiness, called “bitchiness” by some and “wit” by others, well, frankly, it exhausts me.
I can engage in a little light-hearted verbal sparring now and again, but all too often, it just becomes mean… I can be mean, I just don’t have much interest in being calculatedly awful to one another.
If it’s what makes you happy, that’s fine, but as of now, I resign from that game.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Facebook Friends

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Dear Facebook Friends,
I’m sorry Game of Thrones was so emotionally taxing last night.
I also don’t care.
Seriously, I almost turned it into a drinking game: Drink every time someone posts about Game of Thrones and you are overwhelmed with indifference.
I just didn’t wanna get alcohol poisoning.
My last count was 33.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Passersby

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Dear Passersby,
You hafta understand something.
When we know each other, and you see me out on my run? Honking will do you no good.
I listen to music. Loudly. I can’t hear your car horn, nor would it really help the situation.
The situation, of course, being you recognizing me.
I’m thrilled that you recognize me. Truly, I am.
Sadly, I can’t say the same. I mean, I’m sure I would, but when you’re driving in a car, you’ve got a distinct advantage.
You have several seconds to see me, whereas, well, more often than not, I just see a car passing.
I rarely look at drivers cuz, when we’re headed in opposite directions, I can probably only see the driver for a split second.
So, please, don’t be offended when I don’t wave or respond in any way.
Chances are, even if I did hear you, I couldn’t really see who or what I was supposed to be waving to, okay?
It’s nothing personal.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Roommates

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Dear Roommates,
Really glad we had that bonding time yesterday.
Okay, the discussion of “A-rabs” and guns was a little uncomfortable… but you seem nice.
Oh, and the “let’s kill Obama” thing was a little rough too.
Yet, through all of that, you really do seem nice. Okay, yes, I was drunk… but still there’s a chance we’ll get along once I sober up, right?
Ya know what? Don’t ruin this for me, I wanna be surprised.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Chicago Friends

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Dear Chicago Friends,
Sadly, the time has come for me to abandon you… again.
I’m pretty sure this time it isn’t as bad though because I never actually made it back in town.
Still, I feel bad. I was sincerely looking forward to being back in town, but as I thought about it, the easiness of moving back to a familiar place proved to be even scarier to me than I could have imagined.
Instead, Asheville is stuck with me. Believe me, you’re better off this way.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

PS Oh yeah… most of my stuff is still in storage in Chicago si if anyone wants to drive down and visit me with most of my earthly possessions? I don’t hate that plan, either.

Dear Social Media Friends

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Dear Social Media Friends,
It has come to my attention that I may broadcast my lifestyle in a way that makes it seem… more than what it is.
This was brought to my attention by a friend who expressed concern over my wanting to move to North Carolina which he deemed “not worth it.”
Obviously well-intentioned, it was not well-received, with me responding that I know what I’m looking for better than anyone else.
Cattiness ensued, which I thankfully walked away from, but not before seeing his response about how I look like I’m going from trip to trip (I didn’t realize moving across the country was going from trip to trip) and posting about day drinking and passing out early. I didn’t realize that day drinking was considered a good thing. Truth be told, I do it and even I don’t see it as a good thing. Usually it’s the first sign of alcoholism… I mean, I’m not that bad, but yeah, day drinking isn’t a sign of being carefree, trust me.
That being said, I’m aware that I usually put up a bit of a wall, letting people see what I want them to see. I just never thought I’d have friends that judged me for what they saw on the surface instead of taking the time to look beyond it.
It’s weird… maybe that’s why I don’t like people much. Who knows?
Anyways, better luck next time with your off-base, pop psychology diagnosis, friend-o.
Sincerely,
Calhoun