Dear R2-D2

Dear R2-D2,
I know it’s been awhile, but I was wondering if you could help me out with a little something.
In this time period that’s supposed to be so long, long ago and the place that’s supposed to be so far, far away, is “droid” taught as a second language?
Because here’s the thing. I’m a Star Wars fan. Now, I’m not hardcore about it or anything, but I was a big enough fan to wear out my VHS copies (you guys know what those are, right?) of all the movies.
For the most part, I always kinda connected with your character.
You were smart. I was smart.
You had limited mobility. I was a staggeringly fat child, thus explaining my limited mobility.
You had an annoying gay best friend. I mean, C-3PO was gay… wasn’t he? I was somebody’s annoying gay best friend.
I mean, let’s face it, the similarities are uncanny.
But why then, at the end of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope do I have absolutely no clue what you are talking about?
Normally the little beep-bo-beeps work for me. I mean, sure, there’s usually somebody to contextualize them, but right in the middle of the ceremony, you do your little chirps. Luke laughs. Princess Leia smiles.
What the hell could you possibly have sad that made Luke laugh?!? I don’t think I’ve ever seen Luke laugh. Let’s face it, he’s kinda the Debbie Downer of the group.
Well, whatever you said, it must’ve been good. I’ve been waiting for an answer since I first saw the movie when I was 3, so way back in 1990, so I think I can hold on a little longer, but seriously, I need some answers.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

PS I wasn’t sure how much postage would get this to Tatooine, so I hope this gets to you…

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Dear woman on the train who spoiled Torchwood for me

Dear woman on the train who spoiled Torchwood for me,
I don’t mean to be rude, but seriously, what the hell?
I know that the 9:30 train is always crowded, so it’s hard to not overhear a conversation that two people are having when you’re shoulder to shoulder.
I even understand interjecting a little something, like, “Oh yeah, I love that show” but what you did?
For those who weren’t there, let’s review the facts (spoiler-free).
Fact, crowded train makes it a whole helluva lot easier to overhear someone’s conversation.
Fact, I was discussing with a classmate how excited I was that I had finally broken down and bought Doctor Who and Torchwood considering I had never been able to finish either of them.
Fact, you then promptly ruined the ending of Torchwood for me, a fact I do not take lightly and may have some difficulty forgiving.
What is it about someone saying “oh yeah, I’ve never seen all of Torchwood” that makes someone think to themselves “Hmm… if he’s never seen it… and he’s talking about how he’s going to watch it, why don’t I just go ahead and tell him the ending?”
Seriously, what kind of twisted logic is that?
You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
As a man who takes his TV very seriously, it may take me some time to forgive you for this heinous transgression.
I’ll get back to you when I’ve decided to forgive you. Until then, try not to ruin anything else while I’m gone.
Sincerely,
Calhoun