Dear Interwebz

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Dear Interwebz,
As I’m sure many of you have heard by now, J.J. Abrams, the man who brought us Agent Sydney Bristow, is in talks to take over the Star Wars franchise that is being revived.
For the past 24 hours, it has been constant lens flare jokes and questions as to whether Abrams is competent enough to tackle the iconic series. Well, folks, let me ask you something.
Was Lucas talented enough to do it? I mean, sure, the original three are some of the best movies ever made (if you disagree with me here, I will fight you) but that doesn’t take away the sting of Phantom Menace or Revenge of the Sith.
Sure, there was a time when George Lucas made a lot of nerds happy, but that was a long time ago, folks.
So, all I’m saying is, give Abrams a chance to fuck it up before you hate on him.
Lord knows we gave George Lucas three tries to make it right, and he still disappointed.
The least we can do is give J.J. Abrams the same courtesy.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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Dear Kid with the Star Wars backpack

Dear Kid with the Star Wars backpack,
Listen, I don’t normally do this. In fact, I feel kinda weird doing this… but I just wanted to tell you, I really like your backpack.
Yes, I know it’s a kid’s backpack.
Yes, I’m well aware that it probably wouldn’t even fit.
But still, I like what I see.
No, wait, that makes me sound creepy… I just, I like the backpack, okay?
Look, there’s a reason that I’m writing this instead of saying it out loud…
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear R2-D2

Dear R2-D2,
I know it’s been awhile, but I was wondering if you could help me out with a little something.
In this time period that’s supposed to be so long, long ago and the place that’s supposed to be so far, far away, is “droid” taught as a second language?
Because here’s the thing. I’m a Star Wars fan. Now, I’m not hardcore about it or anything, but I was a big enough fan to wear out my VHS copies (you guys know what those are, right?) of all the movies.
For the most part, I always kinda connected with your character.
You were smart. I was smart.
You had limited mobility. I was a staggeringly fat child, thus explaining my limited mobility.
You had an annoying gay best friend. I mean, C-3PO was gay… wasn’t he? I was somebody’s annoying gay best friend.
I mean, let’s face it, the similarities are uncanny.
But why then, at the end of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope do I have absolutely no clue what you are talking about?
Normally the little beep-bo-beeps work for me. I mean, sure, there’s usually somebody to contextualize them, but right in the middle of the ceremony, you do your little chirps. Luke laughs. Princess Leia smiles.
What the hell could you possibly have sad that made Luke laugh?!? I don’t think I’ve ever seen Luke laugh. Let’s face it, he’s kinda the Debbie Downer of the group.
Well, whatever you said, it must’ve been good. I’ve been waiting for an answer since I first saw the movie when I was 3, so way back in 1990, so I think I can hold on a little longer, but seriously, I need some answers.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

PS I wasn’t sure how much postage would get this to Tatooine, so I hope this gets to you…

Dear Boba Fett

Dear Boba Fett,
Can you believe my mom recommended I not write this letter?
Not only did she say that you weren’t real, but she said that if I wrote this letter, it might come off as “sad and delusional.”
Thanks for the words of advice, mom!
Anyways, I’m writing this hoping that by the time this gets to you, you won’t have just been unceremoniously killed off in Return of the Jedi yet. I know it’s a long, long time ago, but the galaxy far, far away part gives me hope that the whole light years things might work in my favor, right? I dunno, I never claimed to be a scientist.
Whether you’re alive or not, maybe someone from your estate is reading your fan mail and can help me with this quandary… how does one get into the alien bounty hunting game? I mean, I’m not looking for a step-by-step guide or anything, but some pointers might be nice. Because this whole grad school thing isn’t really working out. It’s become a little tedious for me, but I think I could have a real future in alien bounty hunting, but I could use some advice on where to get started.
Any help would be greatly appreciated! Hope to hear from you soon on the steps to take before I set off on my fantastic career as an alien bounty hunter! No, seriously, because I really have no idea how somebody gets into that racket, ya know? Anyways…
Sincerely,
Bounty Hunter Hopeful