Dear iPhone

iphone-5-press

Dear iPhone,
Really? Yes, I sweat.
It just seems hard to believe that in a world of such technological innovations, your downfall is the fact that, yes, I sweat during an 8-mile run. Honestly, that’s my bad.
I mean, I’ll work on it, but I’m not making any promises.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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Dear Facebook Friends

Dear Facebook Friends,
As many of you know, yesterday was my birthday.
Now, for those of you who may not know me that well, birthdays aren’t too much of a celebration for me.
It’s not that much hard work for me to manage to survive another year, so making a big to do about it just seems a little ridiculous.
But can I share with you what I do love about birthdays?
Other people’s reverence for them.
Sure, people probably only posted on my wall because Facebook reminded them in that little box on the right hand corner of the screen, but without fail, the attention comes pouring in.
Haven’t talked in half a decade? Well, you still better write on my Facebook wall for my birthday!
Better yet, even if I was a dick to you in high school, (hard to believe, but I wasn't always the charming young man you see before you today) it still doesn't matter. The birthday is the one day a year everyone has to pretend they like you.
So thank you for the heartfelt and even the phony birthday messages.
They made an otherwise average day into a pretty normal day, but with slightly higher Facebook traffic.
Sincerely,
Calhoun