Dear Hilary Swank

Dear Hilary Swank,
Now I wanna start off by letting you know I’m not gonna be making the obvious horse-like face references or any mannish shoulders, so you can rest easy knowing that this isn’t a cruel analysis of your less than desirable features. On the contrary, I think you’re quite beautiful. Then again, I am attracted to guys, so maybe I’m just drawn to the masculine physical qualities that you clearly have… ya know, this isn’t going in the direction I was hoping. Lemme start over.
See, you’d think after two Oscars, you’d learn how to pick ’em, right? Well, then how do we explain such choices as P.S. I Love You? Or the ill-fated Amelia? Seriously, I actually feel like Amelia Earhart probably met a better end than that movie did. But the cardinal sin? The Black Dahlia.
I mean, how did you think that was gonna end well? You read the script, right? You actually saw how it all played out. Fresh off a second Oscar win, no less. But here’s the thing, Hilary. It’s not just that the story was bad. The acting was ridiculous. With each passing moment, it just got worse, especially your attempt to be “dark and mysterious.”
So I’m gonna leave you with a few parting words. This is what my parents would always say to me when I spilled Kool-Aid on the couch or got into a fight at school. I’m not mad at you, Hilary. I’m just disappointed.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

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