Dear Landlord

Dear Landlord,
I’m not gonna lie to you, yes, we have been drinking.
That’s probably why we thought jumping in the pool at 1 AM was a good idea.
To be fair, it would’ve continued to be a good idea if you hadn’t caught us.
Plus, that whole “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech? Totally unnecessary.
Couldn’t you have just yelled at us like a normal landlord?
Besides, sure, jumping in the pool and drunkenly splashing around may be bad, but is it really any worse than you making us write checks to your dead mother? I mean, that’s some shady shit, dude.
So next time, why don’t we let the pool thing slide and we won’t hafta contact anyone about the obvious tax fraud you’re committing, sound good?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Landlord

Dear Landlord,
You need to understand how these things work.
You don’t want my dog to run out the back door, right?
I understand. Weirdly enough, I don’t want him running around the back courtyard when I’m not home either.
The thing is, well, you’ve kinda put me in a difficult position.
See, I’ll do my best to keep him outta there, but there’s only so much I can do when you still haven’t fixed the lock on my back door.
Sure, I can deadbolt it, but… well, why do I even have a backdoor if I can’t leave through it?
This just seems impractical.
Also, I’m pretty sure it’s against building code.
I’ll hafta double check, but I’ll have that information handy next time you threaten to make me get rid of my dog, asshole.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Landlord

Dear Landlord,
Have you ever heard the expression “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar”?
It’s a fairly common expression, but allow me to break it down for you.
See, it’s like this… people don’t like assholes. Well, maybe emotional masochists do, but I have to imagine they’re in the minority. Anways, back to my main point. People don’t like assholes. Therefore, don’t be an asshole and we’re good.
What could have inspired me to share this little sermon of wisdom with you, you may ask?
Well, it goes something like this. After the physical, emotional, and mental beating I’ve put myself through these past few weeks, I’ll concede that my place is a bit of a mess.
Knocking on my back door and saying “If you get a roach problem, you’re paying for it. Your place looks filthy.” though? Yeah, that still just seems kinda like a dick move. Forget about the fact that it makes me less and less inclined to re-up my lease, how about the fact that the statement achieves nothing? It’s like saying, “Hey, I know you don’t have this problem and you might never have this issue and you certainly didn’t come to me asking for help… but if you did, I still wouldn’t help.”
It’s good to know that you’re so accommodating, but why don’t you keep your misery to yourself? Just a helpful suggestion from tenant to landlord.
Sincerely,
Calhoun