Dear Guy I’m Replacing in the Apartment

Dear Guy I’m Replacing in the Apartment,
Look, I’m glad you got a new place with your girlfriend, but I was supposed to move in yesterday.
It’s weird… cuz I know you have a place to live.
Ya know what I don’t have?
A fuckin’ place to live.
I’m glad you could get your stuff out by two today (even though I saw you drive away, instead of packing after we met) but… I mean, I was kinda hoping that I would have more than 6 hours to move in before I had to go to work.
Yeah… let’s work on that, okay?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Guests

Dear Guests,
Hi, and welcome to our home. I say “our” meaning my roommates and I. Oh, what the hell? As they say, “Mi casa es su casa!”
Which actually brings me to my point… do you treat “su casa” like garbage or do you just prefer to do that to my house? I mean, I don’t mean to be nitpicky or anything. After all, you’re new here so you probably didn’t know the rules of our house.
For starters, I walked into the kitchen the other day to find the sink full of dirty dishes, a plastic bag from a liquor store half-full of water, three empty aluminum cans, and a package of tuna… I can’t believe that this is just a rule of my house, but yeah, no trash in the sinks, please? That’d be great.
Secondly, when there are three other people in the house if you could keep the TV volume to, well, really just about anything less than the decibel-crushing volume you’ve got now. I already experienced what it was like to lose hearing as a kid. Not eager to repeat it.
Finally, and I don’t mean to sound like a dick but, well, this is not your home. I know, I know, I know what I just said about treating it as if it’s your home, but here’s my problem. You get mad at the dog for, well, being a dog and getting into the trash when you leave him alone in the apartment with your food scraps. He’s a dog. Of course, he’s gonna eat it.
That being said, he’s not just a dog. He my dog. Any and all discipline will be administered by me. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, he technically has more rights in this house than you.
Just remember these simple rules and we’ll be fine. Or leave already? We’d be fine after that too. It’s really your call.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Landlord

Dear Landlord,
Have you ever heard the expression “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar”?
It’s a fairly common expression, but allow me to break it down for you.
See, it’s like this… people don’t like assholes. Well, maybe emotional masochists do, but I have to imagine they’re in the minority. Anways, back to my main point. People don’t like assholes. Therefore, don’t be an asshole and we’re good.
What could have inspired me to share this little sermon of wisdom with you, you may ask?
Well, it goes something like this. After the physical, emotional, and mental beating I’ve put myself through these past few weeks, I’ll concede that my place is a bit of a mess.
Knocking on my back door and saying “If you get a roach problem, you’re paying for it. Your place looks filthy.” though? Yeah, that still just seems kinda like a dick move. Forget about the fact that it makes me less and less inclined to re-up my lease, how about the fact that the statement achieves nothing? It’s like saying, “Hey, I know you don’t have this problem and you might never have this issue and you certainly didn’t come to me asking for help… but if you did, I still wouldn’t help.”
It’s good to know that you’re so accommodating, but why don’t you keep your misery to yourself? Just a helpful suggestion from tenant to landlord.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Portly Gentleman Cooking Dinner Shirtless with the Blinds Open

Dear Portly Gentleman Cooking Dinner Shirtless with the Blinds Open,
Listen, I respect your right to do your thing. I mean, I totally love the song “Free to Be You and Me” but I gotta express some concern here.
It’s nothing against you personally, it’s just, well, a little weird.
Now I think I know what you’re gonna say. It’s your house and you’re free to do what you want. Hell, I probably shouldn’t have even been looking in the first place.
And you’re right.
In the immortal words of the Isley Brothers, it’s your thing, do what you wanna do.
Still, I just feel like I should voice some concern. Maybe it was the fact that you were preparing food and I could see you sweating profusely from the street level when you were three floors up? You just had me nervous there, that’s all.
So do us all a favor, if you keep the blinds open, maybe consider wearing a shirt. Or maybe get a Stairmaster?
Not for my sake or anything. I’m just sayin’, from what I could tell, you were just about the perfect candidate for a heart attack.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Neighbor (Pt. 2)

Dear Neighbor,
Over the past few weeks, you may have noticed an increased noise level.
The frantic scratching of the hardwood floors.
The constant clawing at the metal bars.
The feeble, yet heartbreaking, half-hearted howls.
In case you didn’t get this yet, I got a dog.
What did you think all of those “good boy”s were for you or any one of the other neighbors in this building?
No, Karl is a recent transplant and in the month or so he’s been here, he’s already proven himself a much more considerate neighbor than you.
With the exception of the occasional sleepbarking and his general odor, he’s always been the perfect gentleman.
You, on the other hand, continue to thud around upstairs even when Karl grumbles his protest with a meek bark.
I just don’t get it. Did you not get my last letter?
Let me make it easier for you… in order to read my last letter to you, just google “Random Letters to the World” and I should be the first hit. Just scroll over to the sixth page and go to the very bottom. You’re the first entry. Or… the last one on the page, which means chronologically you’re the first. Understand?
Hopefully this will clear up my feelings about you, but just so we’re clear, I enjoy the company of a dog more than i enjoy you.
Is that clear enough?
Sincerely,
Calhoun