Dear Joe Biden

Dear Joe Biden,
Or as I affectionately call you, Joe. We don’t know each other, but I think that if we did, you’d probably like me… assuming you have a good taste, that is. But listen to me prattle on, this isn’t a letter to my ego, this is about that whole debate thing last night.
I just want you to know, I say this with love, but last night, I was very upset with you. Not mad, just disappointed.
Do you not know how a debate works, Joe? Paul Ryan gets to spread his vicious lies for two minutes, then you get your turn to refute them.
There is absolutely no excuse for interrupting him. Believe me, I know he was telling some pretty tall tales, but there’s such a thing as decorum. You had right on your side, Joe, you didn’t need to interrupt all the time.
I know there’s some ugliness in politics, but in a debate setting, you can afford to have some manners.
Oh, and congratulations on kicking Paul Ryan’s ass in the debate. Next time, hopefully you won’t hafta interrupt as much to do it.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Mitt Romney

Dear Mitt Romney,
Stop. Just stop.
Declare your war against women? Whatever, that’s probably just some weird mom stuff.
Give tax breaks to corporations? I don’t agree with it, but eh, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.
Using Friday Night Lights for evil? That I will not tolerate.
The emotionally stirring “Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can’t Lose” is not meant to be taken lightly.
In fact, I’m not sure how “Clear” anything about you is, given you still haven’t released full tax returns.
That stuff that you’re “Full” of? It’s certainly not a heart.
And you “Can’t Lose?” Not if I have anything to say about it.
The Religious Right always decries same-sex marriage because it supposedly mocks the sanctity of marriage.
Yeah? Well, what about the sanctity of Kyle Chandler?
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Old Couple Next Door

Dear Old Couple Next Door,
I think it’s time we had a talk. See, I’m about to leave this apartment complex behind so I feel like I can be frank with you.
It’s, well, it’s about your exercise routine. More specifically, it’s about your grunts and groans as you sweat to the oldies with your windows wide open.
The repeated “hep” and “uhh” of your workout routine- well, it’s disturbing.
Plus, I think we should talk about… I mean, what’s it actually doing for you, anyways?
I say you just give in, admit that both of you have maybe two good years left and enjoy it at that.
You get to enjoy your last days with your loved ones and I don’t hafta wake up to your vaguely pornographic moans set to calisthenics. At least, that’s my suggestion. Think it over. Hell, maybe even go out to McDonald’s and get some burgers, have one last hurrah before you inevitably croak. Again, just a thought but don’t rule it out too quickly…
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Paul Ryan

Dear Paul Ryan,
I haven’t heard you say anything stupid recently.
Actually, come to think of it, I haven’t heard you speak recently…
Okay, yeah, that sounds about right. Definitely adds up.
Never mind, keep up the good work of not embarrassing your party.
Let Romney take a stab at it. I mean, it is a big job… not a hard one, seems to come kinda naturally to you two, but definitely a big one.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Big Bird

Dear Big Bird,
Where do you get off? I mean, honestly, I can’t believe the things I’m hearing about you these days.
Only taking bird baths in Fiji water. The way you demand that everyone make eye contact with you on set, including the children who are forced to climb a step ladder when they’re in a scene with you. It’s this kind of ludicrous and entitled behavior that makes people hate PBS so much.
I mean, I thought you were in this racket for the children… or at least the letter “B,” but now I see how it is…
Clearly greed is what drives a man to don a large, yellow costume to entertain and educate young children everywhere.
Honestly, your agenda to better the world makes me sick. I hope Romney gets his way and every last one of you ends up on the cutting room floor of a Jo-Ann’s Fabrics. I mean, our nation is in crisis, so we might as well recycle you, right?
Oh, I forgot, recycling is part of the liberal agenda too… my bad.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Date Tonight

What I looked like this morning, except… ya know, not hot

Dear Date Tonight,
I know what you’re thinking. “Why is he talking to me, it isn’t ‘tonight’ already, is it?” No sir, your eyes do not deceive you, it is still early in the morning. This is about… um- what you saw, early in the morning.
See, I was kinda counting on nobody actually being out right now, so I just wore what I wore to sleep.
Mussed up hair, tattered undershirt, and blue (somewhat tight) gym shorts. Not exactly haute couture.
And yet, who did I run in to on my walk? Well, you, obviously otherwise this would be a pretty stupid letter to be writing… anyways, you were nice and we talked and you were sweet to the dog, but I feel like I should tell you something.
… I swear I’ll do better next time. I mean, this isn’t, like my normal outfit or anything.
I promise I’ll shower for our date. I may even shave.
So please, if you could just do me a favor and forget you saw this trainwreck? Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Jim Lehrer

Dear Jim Lehrer,
I know the pressure when it comes to moderating the National Presidential Debate must be enormous, but can I give you some tips?

1. Don’t let one of the nominees bully you and/or talk over you. When you call time, it is time.
2. Avoid touchy-feely statements. At one point the debate started to feel like a bad marriage counseling session. Neither Romney or Obama are gonna use their “I feel” statements so you should probably just quit while you’re ahead.
3. Maintain the illusion of being informed. Sure, you knew the political buzz words, but your questions lacked any depth or specificity. Why, you may ask? Because I’m pretty sure you had no idea what you were talking about.

Stay on top of these three useful tips and I’m sure your next moderation will run much more smoothly… Oh, who are we kidding? I don’t have a lotta faith in the National Vice-Presidential Debate going much more smoothly, but still, I figured I’d at least pretend that I had faith in your abilities… Godspeed, sir.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear United States

Dear United States,
I’ve always found it funny how things worked out.
You know, how people that actually want to stay here have to pass a test and prove themselves “worthy” of our great nation, but there are just some lucky schmucks born into it?
Okay, maybe it’s not “haha” funny but it certainly is “huh?” funny, isn’t it?
And then there’s the whole green card marriage thing. Constantly having your relationship evaluated by INS?
Lemme just say, it’s a good thing they don’t have those for most couples, because if you were to ask me the color of the toothbrush of my partner? Well, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you. Hell, I share a bathroom with another guy and sometimes I can’t even remember which one is mine.
But ya know what, America? Keep up the good work. You know, keeping the “melting pot” nation pure of all those unwanted foreigners that come here for a chance at a better life. It’s really a testament to your awesome values system!
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear World

Dear World,
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I am dying for people to get angry.
I don’t mean angry enough to post a Facebook status or to tweet something or even write a blog post like I’m doing now.
I mean angry enough to want and pursue change.
After all, that’s how change happens, right? People get angry?
I’ll let you in on another secret. I don’t think we know how to get angry anymore.
I come from the over-educated, over-privileged, and over-medicated generation.
We are constantly told we are special. If we don’t get the grade, there’s something wrong with the system or there’s something wrong with us. ADD, ADHD, not being challenged enough, you name it.
The solution? Zoloft, Ritalin, Paxil, Xanax.
It could never be that we’re just unhappy.
Truth be told, I come from that “over” background.
I’m finishing up my Masters, which has yet to land me a job or even many job interviews.
I’m grateful and ashamed at the same time that my parents still take care of me financially.
I was on at least 3 prescriptions drugs daily until I turned 18 and decided, I would be in charge of my body.
Since then? Yeah, I’ve run in to some shit. I’ve still got some emotional scars. I’m still emotionally stunted.
But most importantly, I’m still angry. I’m still angry enough to want something better.
People need to find their way back to that.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Dear Domino’s

Dear Domino’s,
You were delicious and let it be known that I regret nothing, but- well, I think we should take a break.
No, this isn’t goodbye, it’s just- I think what we have right now isn’t healthy. It’s co-dependence at its worst.
Didn’t get the job? Call Domino’s.
Rough night of drinking last night? Call Domino’s.
It’s just- you always see me at my worst. I wanna be at my best for you, Domino’s.
I want to try to be the man that I know I can be, but right now, what we have, it just won’t let me.
So please, don’t beat yourself up over this.
I know everyone says this al the time, but truly and sincerely, it’s not you, it’s me.
I’m gonna put myself out there, try other pizza places, but please know, you will always be my first love.
Maybe we can even get back the magic that we once had, but for now, I think it’s best if we have a clean break.
I’m sorry.
Sincerely,
Calhoun